We were inside one classroom, yes, the same room we went in and out during our college days...On separate ocassions of course. against my fervent wish and desire to be with you for just one class. Just so I would know how it felt being with you, inside a classroom setting, and drinking in your thought and getting lost perhaps in all your splendor presence.
Anyhow, it was a quizbee or something, and i wondered why I was there in the first place. I wasn't the brainy type. Unlike you, you'll be in every contest, quizbees, debate and all. In a haze the event started, and it was a Math quizbee to my surprise! Wow, don't i get to choose and decide here? Me and the numbers, formulas and equation were never friends. Unlike you, it's your forte. You always knew almost everything. Then everyone got busy answering and thinking and analyzing...and i was lost there. Still wondering why, why i was there, and why i was there-with you, inside that room.
Just like a movie came the second scene, everyone was forcing you and i towards each other, expectant...for something i don't know. And you did something that's so you, you were never a fan of crowd and people cheering and cajoling, you'll do things your way. So you did it privately and drag me out of that room and we were outside and you were trying hard to explain, give reasons and let me understand why it never happened what i wanted to happen from years ago. You lost the right words to say or perhaps you don't know how to say it and you pulled me into a tight embrace. So tight i felt like i'll burst into bubbles and i was so afraid for that moment to fade, for you to slip away so fast, so soon... So i hugged you back, tighter. as if i'll never want to let you go...ever. To my amazement i saw you holding back your tears, and your voice choking.
"i'm sorry" you said.
"what for? why?" I answered. Bewildered still.
And you told me you would have wanted to connive with my friends and your friends to get me here so we can talk and you can tell so many things but you were afraid i'd notice, you were afraid i'd walked out. And you told me a lot more. You told me how you would have wanted me before, back when i was so obssesed of being with you. But it didn't happen but how you wanted it to and how you wanted to get back and make up for the lost time and start right here and now with me. For a moment i remembered how it took me so long to end my misery, my addiction of you...and how easily you came back and tell me all these things now...things that never happened nor said back then. And if it was the universe conspired, i chose to let of that doubt and gave in to you...again. i surrendered. And hugged you tight, so tight and we were both crying, for the lost time, for this jovial rendezvous. Like everything resonates what we feel- thunder, bolts, drums and butterflies! Alas, how sweet, how my heart pounds and burst with everything. Is it real? are you here?
My eyes pop open. I saw my bed, my room, my pillow. You were just a dream. then and now. But it felt so real, so vivid, so alive, so consuming that i closed my eyes back and hugged tight my pillow thinking it was still you. For a moment i was toying with the idea of going back to sleep and continue that dream, that sweet escape. I could do that, I've proven to myself time and again that i have this habit of being able to continue my dreams just as long as i'll choose to go back to that slumber. That was a sweet slumber.
But I remembered. How it took me so much time to be where i am now away from that thought of you and I, of the idea that someday we might really end up in each others arms, of that promise that i'll be the HOME you can run to when everything else fails or when you're done roaming the world or when you get tired and wanted to slow down and rest awhile. Yes i remembered how hard it was, how it felt. How the rejection left me battered and bruised that resulted to me not wanting to feel that way again. That ended up me being so guarded now. Your memory kept me alive, but I want my life back. I've had it back for awhile now, why do you have to haunt me like that?
With all the courage that i can muster, i opened my eyes again. I've chosen to let go sometime ago. I can do it now. I chose to do it now. You fed my dreams and lonely days, but i learned to color my own rainbow, water my own plants and be my own sunshine. That room is locked, shut down, closed forever. Let's not go there. Let me go URANOS. Penelope wants nothing from you anymore. Do not test, tempt and lure me again just like that. What doesn't break you won't kill you. I'm still alive am i not? I wanted to be happy too. I chose to run this race. Alone. Where nothing and no one will ever hurt me again like that...
