The Someday and The One Day

I used to say, my someday starts today.
I used to believe that one day will be beautiful and worthy.
But now, I feel like both words are too far away.
I feel i like I belong somewhere else, but it's a place I don't know where. I feel like I'm waiting but I may never really get the there.

Well, of course I always don't think this way. It's just that today, I succumb too much to this thought, because I've been so unproductive.
Let me go. Let me be free.
Thoughts, stubborn and cunning- stay away from me.

I deserve to be happy. How?Where? I don't know.

And Because Love Battles…

Reposted from an old blog

January 21, 2008 

Day by day, i’m expecting something to happen. Something that will give me the ultimate happiness, that would make me ecstatic. Part of this longing I know is because of me watching too much romantic movies and reading novels of endless heroes and the damsel in distress they have rescued.

I’m fortunate enough to have lived this life I only dream before. To experience the taste of freedom in someways yet why do I still feel empty inside? As if something else is missing…

I dream of love unknown…A story of my own. My fairy tale. I created it but cannot make it come true. It is just woven in my fantasy. A fabric of stubborn memory and foolishness long time ago…I wanted to be over you. To let your memory end completely.

Time and again, I tried hard to let go of everything that reminds me of you. I loved you too much too long already. Yet your entrance still amazed me. My knees still feels weak at the sight of you, at the sound of your voice I still longs for more and the way you smile still leaves me breathless. You still stirs my emotion. You still held my heart without you knowing how much.

But there’s just got to be a way out of this wonderland I’m in. Because despite and in spite what my heart projects and promise that I will never cry like Penelope did, it hurts me so. It brought tears into my eyes and creates a havoc in my emotion. In the end, i still end up hurt, wounded and torn up as what you've warned … But who could blame this love I have that battles its way just to caught sight of you, watch you in your vulnerability, admires you and the courage you have in facing your own troubles…Got lost with you and and stumble in the shadows of your confusion.

Through all this, I know it’s high time though to stop chasing the unknown tomorrow. To rest in the promise and comfort of what might have been. And one day when I overcome all this, I will keep a smile, knowing that once I was lost somewhere in time, somewhere when I believed so much in love and how I was so moved to follow what I feel regardless of how unconventional it was.

Goodbye, let me try at least to say and bid my own farewell my distant star.

And because Love battles

Pablo Neruda

And because love battles

not only in its burning agricultures

but also in the mouth of men and women,

I will finish off by taking the path away

to those who between my chest and your fragrance

want to interpose their obscure plant.

About me, nothing worse

they will tell you, my love,

than what I told you.

I lived in the prairies

before I got to know you

and I did not wait love but I was

laying in wait for and I jumped on the rose.

What more can they tell you?

I am neither good nor bad but a man,

and they will then associate the danger

of my life, which you know

and which with your passion you shared.

And good, this danger

is danger of love, of complete love

for all life,

for all lives,

and if this love brings us

the death and the prisons,

I am sure that your big eyes,

as when I kiss them,

will then close with pride,

into double pride, love,

with your pride and my pride.

But to my ears they will come before

to wear down the tour

of the sweet and hard love which binds us,

and they will say: "The one

you love,

is not a woman for you,

Why do you love her? I think

you could find one more beautiful,

more serious, more deep,

more other, you understand me, look how she’s light,

and what a head she has,

and look at how she dresses,

and etcetera and etcetera".

And I in these lines say:

Like this I want you, love,

love, Like this I love you,

as you dress

and how your hair lifts up

and how your mouth smiles,

light as the water

of the spring upon the pure stones,

Like this I love you, beloved.

To bread I do not ask to teach me

but only not to lack during every day of life.

I don’t know anything about light, from where

it comes nor where it goes,

I only want the light to light up,

I do not ask to the night

explanations,

I wait for it and it envelops me,

And so you, bread and light

And shadow are.

You came to my life

with what you were bringing,

made

of light and bread and shadow I expected you,

and Like this I need you,

Like this I love you,

and to those who want to hear tomorrow

that which I will not tell them, let them read it here,

and let them back off today because it is early

for these arguments.

Tomorrow we will only give them

a leaf of the tree of our love, a leaf

which will fall on the earth

like if it had been made by our lips

like a kiss which falls

from our invincible heights

to show the fire and the tenderness

of a true love.

My Initial Bucket list

I've been reading peoples bucket lists of the things they wanna do before their lifetime expires, or before this big event or even before reaching this certain age. I guess everyone that is normal would make such an ordeal when you're getting old- and that does not excuse me- coz i'm normal too you know :)

So I came up with the list of things i wanna do before i turn the dreaded(?) 3-0. But let me tell you why i'm doing this first.

 I've always wished to have the grace, the serenity and peace within upon the thought of my growing up and getting old. I don't wanna give in to the pressure that comes along with this age especially if your reaching the big 3-0 and you are still single. People can really become so unforgiving, so bully and so mean sometimes. Well, i wanted to be proud of myself, to have done many things and compile vast experiences and perhaps wisdom above the average and mediocre individual. If only society will leave me alone! haha. But it's part of our culture i guess.The idea of happy, single and free at the age of 30 is still foreign to a lot of people.

Anyhow, there's nothing much that i can do about it right? So here goes the list! Initially i wanted 30 things before 3-0 post to welcome my, ahem- 30th year- however I can't seem to compile 30 things for now, due to time constraint and maybe I don't really have so much  things I can think of . So let me content myself with this for now, in no particular order:)

1. Slow travel- for 2 weeks or a month, somewhere far, laid back and cheap.
2. Try surfing- and hoping for a beginner's luck!  - My first was at the surfing capital of the Philippines, Siargao island. And yeah, I got the beginner's luck i wished, I didn't wipe out that much, like I got up on the surfboard, all the way near the shoreline. It's so fun I decided to try it back and this time, in San Juan, La Union- that's in two weeks time!
   
3. Get drunk- really drunk. Not because I'm intoxicated from a bottle of alcoholic drink, but because i drunk tones of it! haha, i missed out this phase of my life before- you see, i was a young, determined and goal- oriented woman out to fulfill my dreams-before.
4. Read a book- a good book, a Jane Austen type- or perhaps, find time to read a book and finished it outright! 
5. Try one aerial nerve- wracking experience! I found out i have this fear of heights and motion sickness. I wanna test my limit.
6. Try mountain climbing again-  Definitely not my forte but i'm in to go out of my comfort zone. My first was climbing Mt. Pico de Loro in Cavite back in 2010. Well, just last November 2013, I climbed Osmena Peak, Cebu  and trek all the way to Kawasan falls. That was like 7 hours trek, I think it's going to take a long time again before I'll try my third mountain climbing experience. Haha
7. Learn or at least try to drive a motorcycle- riding alone scares the hell out of me, what more if i'll try driving it! rawr.
8. Join an organization-help a cause, or something to that effect.
9. Start building my savings. you see, I live from paycheck to the next pay :)
10. Tour my Mom- outside the city she lived and breath all her life. Payback time for the supermom.
11. Try solo traveling, somewhere far and provincial.
12. Chase as many sunrise and sunsets.
13. Fall madly in love. Or just plainly falling in love. Nothing monumental!

Help me fill my list! Any suggestions?

jump through life!

and chasing sunrise and sunsets

and surfing maybe?

travel as much as i can

and don't forget to have fun!

The New Normal

Perhaps, like everyone else, i needed to cry too. Breakdown. Broken.
Or maybe not.
Maybe i've got too much of it, without me knowing how or why or when.
Maybe  i don't need to know more, than what i learn now.
Maybe i need to be still instead of wandering.
Maybe i need direction, rather than aimlessly walking through life.
Maybe i need, that old spirit back- that trusting, gullible little girl that I was.
Maybe simple will do and complicated won't.
Maybe resting is better than being restless.
Or maybe i need YOU.

You, whose presence I barely felt.
You, whose soul I have yet to know.
You whose hands i'm dying to hold.
You whose eyes, have been haunting me for years...even before we truly met.

Or maybe, all these and more, are just caused by this global warming.
Maybe all i need, is an 8 hour sleep. To clear my mind and put peace in my heart.
Or maybe not.

Welcome to the new normal. 

Random Thoughts on a Sunny Monday

What's on my mind:

...and i don't want to compromise.

But sometimes waiting takes its toll on me too. 

And we all know that patience is quite a virtue.

So some days i carry it nicely, while others hurt me badly.

Randomly to God i whispered a silent prayer.

" hear my heart and make me braver".

Give me the skill and make me a winner

Winner of my life's battle.

Take the chaos away,

Peace in my mind, i pray.

On random response to JourneyingJames post:

They say “patience is a virtue”
and that in waiting, there is beauty too.
So pack your bag and travel the world,
discover life that has never been told
cross thy mountains, brave thine sea
surf thy waves, dance the night away!

and when time is right and your heart is ready,
god will bless and hear your plea.

On what i want to do today:

Sit in the beach and watch the sunset. Chase the waves and feel the wind. Feel carefree, get lost in my thoughts and  be spontaneous.

MARS

You felt like you are that star the never sparkle, never wink, never shine brighter than the stars around you.
But...
but i noticed you.
Nevertheless i noticed you.
Remember that one night, when i rolled on the sands and you were looking at the stars.
When i was senseless and you were too scientific.
When part of me is giving up, and part of you is starting over.
When i am looking forward for that one sunset and yet you already saw it.
When there's so much more to know yet time is not enough.

We were in Mars.
But Earth isn't too far out.
We both go back.
Go back to what's yours and what's mine.
But remember that one night...
That one night when we were Both in Mars.

Remembering a MAN

I remember you.

As a kid I remember how you love bringing presents. How i love saturdays, it's you payday and you like bringing breads back home.

I remember you, when you drop us off to school before you go for work, and some days when you have extra cash, you'd like buying snacks for me and Kuya.

I remember how mom would cook for your favorite viand- anything with soup and vegetables on it and asked us to deliver it to you whenever your work location is near home. And then i'd stay awhile while you rest or some days i'd eat with you.

And then I grew up.
The simple kid turned and developed into a teenage rebel. Though i didn't mean to turn out that way, but my young mind and teenage hormones seemed helpless and unable to control my emotion and how i'd notice that everything around me seemed wrong, I was a handful i know...

I remember that I was hostile, emotional, unpleasant. All because i was unhappy that we were poor, and i felt i was stripped off opportunities i could have had if only we can afford my school needs. Even then i guess i was ambitious, not materially, but of the mind.

And thank God that phase ended.
I left home, to pursue my dream, to finish college and was beaming with hope that my education would be the answer of that quagmire we're in. I was willing to do whatever it takes, and the lack of money didn't stop me.

I remember your support, in every little way. It wasn't enough, but my young adult mind is ablle to understand it already.
Little did I know that my going away would be the start of something special for both of us.

I began to see you differently.
I notice your gentle soul, your kind words, your meek spirit.
And i notice my neighbor and cousin's fathers. How different you are.
I know they don't think highly of you then, because they felt you were weak, because you don't brag, because you just listened, and you don't get drunk and loud like they are. I began to appreciate you. I was like that little child again hoping for every saturdays and presents.

We became close, closer that i'd ever think we could be.
My summer and semestral breaks became a sweet rendezvouz . Funny how when, the absence fill in so much of the presence. How we both felt so delighted of every coming together. How i loved kissing your cheeks and how your stubbles became so familiar on mine. How i liked to be in your arms, and how i love your voice and your smile and the way you love me. We were still poor but i don't seemed to mind, not much i mean.

But most of all, i remember your arms. I always remember your arms, in fact, i always associate this with you. You and your warm embrace, and how i saw that all of us-your kids went and glided in that strong arms of yours. I think i wouldn't mind being enveloped again in there. I felt safe, warm, protected, loved.

Years passed, one of my dreams- which was your dream as well, came true. I finished schooling and i know you were proud. I was proud too- for you. The hard work- both yours, mine and mama paid off. Little by little i was able to help you, the family.

And then i needed to go away again, somewhere far, somewhere unfamiliar, some place where the grass are greener and horizons are far from what i was currently seeing. I was a wanderlust, still am. But it was all for us, for you.

And i left your arms, kissed you goodbye and saw your smile, saw your beaming eyes, saw and felt how much you love me.

I didn't know that was the last time i'll see you.

I left...and then you left too.

It was heartbeaking.
I didn't know if i'd get over it.
But i did.
Because deep inside, i know you want me to.

I've gotten over losing you.
But i will always, always remember you.
My dear father, my papa...THANK YOU.
For the wonderful memories embedded in my heart- good and bad, it made us what we are now.
Are you proud? Are you happy? In my heart I know you are...

There was only one regret - that you didn't live long enough, to taste and harvest the fruit of your hard work.
We're still poor, but looking back i realized, it was never my goal to become rich in material things.
I am rich now- in my worldview, in character, in things that really matters. And i want to be richer, just so you know.

I love you. Did i ever tell you that? But you must have felt it, whenever you held me in your warm embrace...

This i know...
" i carry your heart, i carry it here in my heart "