Remembering a MAN

I remember you.

As a kid I remember how you love bringing presents. How i love saturdays, it's you payday and you like bringing breads back home.

I remember you, when you drop us off to school before you go for work, and some days when you have extra cash, you'd like buying snacks for me and Kuya.

I remember how mom would cook for your favorite viand- anything with soup and vegetables on it and asked us to deliver it to you whenever your work location is near home. And then i'd stay awhile while you rest or some days i'd eat with you.

And then I grew up.
The simple kid turned and developed into a teenage rebel. Though i didn't mean to turn out that way, but my young mind and teenage hormones seemed helpless and unable to control my emotion and how i'd notice that everything around me seemed wrong, I was a handful i know...

I remember that I was hostile, emotional, unpleasant. All because i was unhappy that we were poor, and i felt i was stripped off opportunities i could have had if only we can afford my school needs. Even then i guess i was ambitious, not materially, but of the mind.

And thank God that phase ended.
I left home, to pursue my dream, to finish college and was beaming with hope that my education would be the answer of that quagmire we're in. I was willing to do whatever it takes, and the lack of money didn't stop me.

I remember your support, in every little way. It wasn't enough, but my young adult mind is ablle to understand it already.
Little did I know that my going away would be the start of something special for both of us.

I began to see you differently.
I notice your gentle soul, your kind words, your meek spirit.
And i notice my neighbor and cousin's fathers. How different you are.
I know they don't think highly of you then, because they felt you were weak, because you don't brag, because you just listened, and you don't get drunk and loud like they are. I began to appreciate you. I was like that little child again hoping for every saturdays and presents.

We became close, closer that i'd ever think we could be.
My summer and semestral breaks became a sweet rendezvouz . Funny how when, the absence fill in so much of the presence. How we both felt so delighted of every coming together. How i loved kissing your cheeks and how your stubbles became so familiar on mine. How i liked to be in your arms, and how i love your voice and your smile and the way you love me. We were still poor but i don't seemed to mind, not much i mean.

But most of all, i remember your arms. I always remember your arms, in fact, i always associate this with you. You and your warm embrace, and how i saw that all of us-your kids went and glided in that strong arms of yours. I think i wouldn't mind being enveloped again in there. I felt safe, warm, protected, loved.

Years passed, one of my dreams- which was your dream as well, came true. I finished schooling and i know you were proud. I was proud too- for you. The hard work- both yours, mine and mama paid off. Little by little i was able to help you, the family.

And then i needed to go away again, somewhere far, somewhere unfamiliar, some place where the grass are greener and horizons are far from what i was currently seeing. I was a wanderlust, still am. But it was all for us, for you.

And i left your arms, kissed you goodbye and saw your smile, saw your beaming eyes, saw and felt how much you love me.

I didn't know that was the last time i'll see you.

I left...and then you left too.

It was heartbeaking.
I didn't know if i'd get over it.
But i did.
Because deep inside, i know you want me to.

I've gotten over losing you.
But i will always, always remember you.
My dear father, my papa...THANK YOU.
For the wonderful memories embedded in my heart- good and bad, it made us what we are now.
Are you proud? Are you happy? In my heart I know you are...

There was only one regret - that you didn't live long enough, to taste and harvest the fruit of your hard work.
We're still poor, but looking back i realized, it was never my goal to become rich in material things.
I am rich now- in my worldview, in character, in things that really matters. And i want to be richer, just so you know.

I love you. Did i ever tell you that? But you must have felt it, whenever you held me in your warm embrace...

This i know...
" i carry your heart, i carry it here in my heart "

Letters To URANOS

Disclaimer: This is for posterity's sake only. Emotions are real as on the dates written. Today is a better day:)



November 26, 2006


How do you measure the deepness of a wound? The extremity of pain? What would you consider as the most hurting moment of your life?

Some say betrayal hurts the most...but i disagree. For nothing cuts deeper than a wound inflicted out of REJECTION. Yes, pure rejection.

I cannot blame you of course. I should have realized long time ago that I cannot force and urge you to care for me the way that i want to. To love me the way i dream. Its high time for me to let go of all the stored memory and that single spark of hope i've hold on for such a long time now.

Time is running, the clock is ticking. Every moments count. I'm losing you the way i lost my youth. It's time to move on, to move forward. And i still owe myself that promise that someday, i'm gonna love again greater and deeper than the way i loved you.


yours,

angelaires



July 1 2007

"TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS AND I SHOULD KNOW COZ IT FEELS LIKE FOREVER"

We can never buy time...
After all the searching, the finding, the looking and the wanting...I realized time is the essence of it all.

We can't have everything all at once. we can attain it slowly, along the way. But never in a sudden flash.

Dreams will always be dreams. It's a fantasy, a fairy tale land and if you are wise enough to make use of every second and every opportunity, surely you can turn it into reality. But it needs time.

We may not do it all, the wishes and dreams in our lifetime, but what matters is we started the journey. And every small steps lead to a much bigger tasks and a much brighter tomorrow...

My journey with you my Uranos, my distant star is such a mystery that until now i don't know where it would lead me...but i'm glad through it all. I'm happy and grateful with the times and moments we have despite and inspite of what people say...and my journey with you is still spinning and rolling, hopefully to the place truly meant to be...



yours,

angelaires



January 1, 2008


Somewhere, sometime ago, i once saw and heard a line in a movie that i can't even remember, that the most expensive commodity is FREEDOM.

There is one thing i realized after all this time of waiting, of searching, of longing and of hoping- everything boils down to me and to what i feel. The things we want but we can't have disappoints us, the people we love but we lost somewhere ago hurts us, the ambitions and dreams yet to come true leaves us frustrated, upset, anxious. Most of all, the people who deliberately rejects you, make you feel unwelcome and unwanted, creates much crater of a misery that every minute of the day reminds you that unwelcome territory of being alone and lonely.

This time around, i wanna have the freedom  of all these things. The freedom of my own desire, own wants, own dreams. I wanna take each day as it comes. No expectations, no wantings, no longings. For a time, i wanted to shove myself away from my own self, my own world. I wanted to be free.



always,

angelaires




WHATEVER HAPPENED IN 2009...
or maybe we can read it in the the fourth lesson.



July 24, 2010

It's been so long since i've written something. I honestly lost the time and the words to say. Even up to this point i'm still contemplating of what to write... but i really wanted to write something! haha

I guess this has been my outlet ever since.  I love writing and have this powerful desire to be a good writer- which im not! But at least i write from the heart and that is something!

Along with my desire to move on and forget you is losing the will to write since i always associate this with you. Well what can i do, i write almost all about you. You're my fave subject!

But i'm not doing this now because i'm prompted by this overbearing feeling, longing and passion for you. It's OVER. You are over. What's left is this feeling i have, which  makes me still proud to this day, knowing how greatly i love, and what i will do in the name of love!

I wanted to have a better look at myself and the world around me. I wanted to understand what i really want in life and why am i doing things the way i do. It really takes a lifetime to understand oneself. But at least i'm not confused now. I am not as unhappy as i were in the past. There were things, people, blessings and event that had happened as i envision them to be...with a little twist in between:) I want to revisit this ME that has always been there, all along.

So what do i want? let me count the ways;
I want to be a better person, at all times.
I want to keep the people that really matters. I want to give them the time that they deserve. I want to nurture  again old relationships, friends in the past that i may have ignored, put aside, forgotten.
I want my family to have a better life...but i can't control the way things are happening, and the person they have become and will become. So i wanted to be ready, to have the grace, the strength and the peace within in accepting things-however it will turn out.
I want to do the things i've always wanted. I want to revisit my old self. Maybe it's the age thing that has gotten into me!
I want to find the time to study... in UP.
I want to fall in love...to be loved...be really loved.
I want to write, i've always wanted to write.
I want to go home, be with my family- my mom, my siblings...I'm done living alone in the city for so long.
I got bored easily now. That's why i always want to go out, be with friends, talk with friends. i'm becoming unproductive, restless. I don't know how soon this is going to last.

But at least i'm seeing myself in this journey now...Take it slow self, you're getting old so fast!



always,

angelaires






January 10, 2011

Because im not not used to see you happy that it kinda hurts me...You used to hate waking, living, much worst loving. And now, you are embracing it. The possibility of it at least.

It's a mix feeling actually. Part of me is glad to know you finally grasp a state of happiness and a taste of what loving means... after of course the self-exiled mantra you firmly believe. Oh what was it again? It goes like "i like you, i like you a lot. it's just that i don't believe in love anymore." hope i quote it right!

Im truly happy that someone else somewhere is putting colors into your once gloomy existence. Im thrilled to know that your waking hours may now be filled with anticipation of another day's worth. And believe me, i'll be the first to be elated upon the thought of you walking through life in a different perspective, a much nicer perspective. I've always known that abyss the troubled mind is a beautiful soul and to discover that the soul has a heart too is more than what i wish for.

So why am i hurting again?

Because someone had finally came and somehow changed the man you've  loved sooo much- you're old self. Finally you let someone in. Finally you allowed yourself to be normal, free from the demons in your head you so like. And that someone was what I always dreamed myself to be. And this someone now is definitely NOT me!


always,

angelaires

Welcome to my new World!

To be honest, there were too many ideas running in my head as i welcome this month. I was pretty much excited, after all, this is my birthday month, and the beginning of the "BER" season- meaning Christmas time is around the corner! But what happened? what went wrong? The month is almost over and i haven't posted anything yet?

Well, since i recently celebrated my 18th birthday, i think people will forgive my vanity, if i'll be talking about myself here! (since when did i not talk about  myself?!) haler, this is my blog, am allowed to justify my narcissistic side!:)

Kidding aside, i had a blast remembering moments, lessons and experiences in the past. There were hits and misses, because we don't have a perfect life. I think my greatest fear now will be, looking back in a few years, and have some regrets for the things i didn't do-which i could have done. Or things i hadn't said, which i could have easily uttered. For people who is hitting some crossroads, like i think what i'm doing, we become so conscious of everything. If we've done too much or too little. Now my problem is, i would want to do so many things at the same time. Like i could never choose one over another. And if you notice, this post seems to gear on my favorite subject again- RANDOM RAMBLINGS. I realized i'm doing that a lot! but what the heck, this is my blog anyway, my own universe and i can do so anything i wishes! lol

And so the love for killer shoes and to die for make up and beautiful dresses and equally wonderful accessories suddenly got shelved in the farthest corner of my closet, i don't think i'll miss you anytime soon. The love for the sand, the beach, the sea, the sunrise, the sunset becomes a refreshing, welcome treat. Like i'd do anything to have a weekend getaway. And with everything i mean- i've given up malling, movies, random unwinding and treating thineself to an expensive cup of coffee or the sugar overload doughnuts and even buying the sunny dresses i so like. Instead, i'd buy swimswear, flats and flipflops...and then i'd laze dreaming of a beachfront, and then i'd work hard, so i can travel more...and this is just one half of the story!

What's the other half? Well, i find myself browsing through the net, for any opportunities to go outside of the country. And i don't mean to work my butts off! I mean to go out and explore, travel. But how would i do that when i can't even finance the traveling just within the Philippine map? I am actually targeting of hitting two birds with one stone- meaning, i'd like some opportunity to study abroad and travel at the same time. well, this seemed to be in a far flung future! But it's part of what's keeping me awake this days!

Then came another love- well sorry to say it's not a boy! My love for cooking. I don't know, but it's one of the things i like learning these days. I can watch and enjoy cooking shows and read cooking stuffs and all.  There's a tinge of satisfaction whenever i go home and whip out dishes for my family and liking it when they crave about my cooking- or maybe they're just being polite! And i like cooking for my friends too:) You want me to cook for you? Just let me know okay?! haha

This life is such complicated.  The person you used to be, can be a stranger after some time, or some tribulation, or some random event, can change your life forever. Inspirations come and ago, feelings fade, interests changes. But one thing should stay the same- the need to always be true to yourself. Be true to what you desire, what you always want to be. Because apart from life being so complicated- it can also be so short. Let's not live with regret, but with happiness of each moment, and let it not pass us by, before our very own eyes!

Cheers to this life, my life, your life, our life!!!:)

Happy 18th! lol

beach is love!:)

Sunset:)

Beach girl!

ditching the heels!

Celebrate! Carpi Diem!:)

Of Plans, Surprises and Sweet Finds...

Plans are made, laid out and thought about. But as to acting on it and making it a reality, it can involve a  lot of twists and turns, and it may not always be how it was originally desired.

So my supposed plan to explore Bacolod, discover nature and taste its food and culture last July 28 remains just as it was- a plan. Bad weather-what with typhoon Gener threatening the country and all. I'm a bit out of budget too and even though i've bought few wardrobes for this trip, i have to settle for the alternatives.

Being an ocassional control freak that i am, this doesn't come easy on me. But then again, i've managed and and survived it anyways.
So where have i been when i got the 4 days off?

Saturday-Kinda unproductive, after all the many plans that day with friends, i ended up sleeping the whole day through and partly the night away...

Sunday- The day started unexpectedly with this JERK across my room who got the nerve talking to me-only when he is drunk. And frankly i don't want him ruining this post so no details here about what happened on that fateful day!
Sunday was spent beach bumming at Portofino beach resort till noon, then movie after and my favorite part was a lazy but fun way of welcoming the dusk by the swing at CEMPark with a friend  and some random conversation about life. We cooked  dinner that night then off to sleep again...or so i thought. But i got an invitation from my co-workers to watch a movie at dawn! Yes, dawn. There's this private movie house near our office called HANS movie house where you can rent movies and the room and watch with friends. It's less expensive considering the privacy you'd get since the room is exclusive to you  and your friends only. So there, that ends my Sunday....which extended to a monday morning since we went home at 5am:)

Beach bumming with Josh and Mica

Childlike Joy with Mica

Aww, the waves is too strong for me!

Swinging and melancholy at CemPark

Mark's mood? hmmmnn...

What did we watch? " Never Let me Go"- a tear jerker type...:)

Monday- Spent the day in a cheap bookshop at Robinson's Cebu- and what a surprise! Found this novel i've read back in my high school years and got the strong desire to buy it for posterity's sake- Rosamunde Pilcher's The SHELL SEEKERS. Random window shop and food trip. Gave in to my cravings for siomai and got myself a cheeseburger meal at Mcdonalds. Not good and definitely not healthy but what the heck, who cares anyway. This is definitely one of those days that i don't care! gave in dude!

I like buying cheap books:)

Love my cheap finds! Cost me just p140 all four books!

Ended the night by dining with my friends and neighbors. Cooked sinigang na bangus with Mark and had one fine dinner. Surprisingly the night didn't end there. After json, V and Joy left for work, Mark and I decided to have coffee- my favorite instant coffee nescafe creamy latte and then we watched a movie on his PC after- in between random conversations...then bedtime for me.



am not an avid coffee drinker but this one just is right for me:)



Tuesday- mall hopping, spent time looking for books I wanna read this year at Fully booked Ayala. The Perks of Being a Wallflower is added on my list. 50 shades of grey is as usual out of stock ( But i read from e-book all three already as of me posting this) had lunch at The Spaghetti Factory Ayala, did my grocery and then agreed with Mark to cook dinner again that night. I love cooking eventhough i'm not good at it. We simply cooked string beans with corned beef and fried fish with pipino and tomatoes. Ended the night by sleeping early. Then woke up the next morning sound tripping and singing my heart out amidst my neighbor's disapproval maybe. But you know what? Read my lips- I don't care! haha. So mean of me. Sorry folks, that was my moment right there!

The Spagetti Factory @Ayala Cebu

strawberry shake and my fave stick-O! yummy:)

And that's how i spent my 4 days off:)

Bittersweet...

We were inside one classroom, yes, the same room we went in and out during our college days...On separate ocassions of course. against my fervent wish and desire to be with you for just one class. Just so I would know how it felt being with you, inside a classroom setting, and drinking in your thought and getting lost perhaps in all your splendor presence.

Anyhow, it was a quizbee or something, and i wondered why I was there in the first place. I wasn't the brainy type. Unlike you, you'll be in every contest, quizbees, debate and all. In a haze the event started, and it was a Math quizbee to my surprise! Wow, don't i get to choose and decide here? Me and the numbers, formulas and equation were never friends. Unlike you, it's your forte. You always knew almost everything. Then everyone got busy answering and thinking and analyzing...and i was lost there. Still wondering why, why i was there, and why i was there-with you, inside that room.

Just like a movie came the second scene, everyone was forcing you and i towards each other, expectant...for something i don't know. And you did something that's so you, you were never a fan of crowd and people cheering and cajoling, you'll do things your way. So you did it privately and drag me out of that room and we were outside and you were trying hard to explain, give reasons and let me understand why it never happened what i wanted to happen from years ago. You lost the right words to say or perhaps you don't know how to say it and you pulled me into a tight embrace. So tight i felt like i'll burst into bubbles and i was so afraid for that moment to fade, for you to slip away so fast, so soon... So i hugged you back, tighter. as if i'll never want to let you go...ever. To my amazement  i saw you holding back your tears, and your voice choking.
"i'm sorry" you said.
"what for? why?" I answered. Bewildered still.

And you told me you would have wanted to connive with my friends and your friends to get me here so we can talk and you can tell so many things but you were afraid i'd notice, you were afraid i'd walked out. And you told me a lot more. You told me how you would have wanted me before, back when i was so obssesed of being with you. But it didn't happen but how you wanted it to and how you wanted to get back and make up for the lost time and start right here and now with me. For a moment i remembered how it took me so long to end my misery, my addiction of you...and how easily you came back and tell me all these things now...things that never happened nor said back then. And if it was the universe conspired, i chose to let of that doubt and gave in to you...again. i surrendered. And hugged you tight, so tight and we were both crying, for the lost time, for this jovial rendezvous. Like everything resonates what we feel- thunder, bolts, drums and butterflies! Alas, how sweet, how my heart pounds and burst with everything. Is it real? are you here?

My eyes pop open. I saw my bed, my room, my pillow. You were just a dream. then and now. But it felt so real, so vivid, so alive, so consuming that i closed my eyes back and hugged tight my pillow thinking it was still you. For a moment i was toying with the idea of going back to sleep and continue that dream, that sweet escape. I could do that, I've proven to myself time and again that i have this habit of being able to continue my dreams just as long as i'll choose to go back to that slumber. That was a sweet slumber.

But I remembered. How it took me so much time to be where i am now away from that thought of you and I, of the idea that someday we might really end up in each others arms, of that promise that i'll be the HOME you can run to when everything else fails or when you're  done roaming the world or when you get tired and wanted to slow down and rest awhile. Yes i remembered how hard it was, how it felt. How the rejection left me battered and bruised that resulted to me not wanting to feel that way again. That ended up me being so guarded now. Your memory kept me alive, but I want my life back. I've had it back for awhile now, why do you have to haunt me like that?

With all the courage that i can muster, i opened my eyes again. I've chosen to let go sometime ago. I can do it now. I chose to do it now. You fed my dreams and lonely days, but i learned to color my own rainbow, water my own plants and be my own sunshine. That room is locked, shut down, closed forever. Let's not go there. Let me go URANOS. Penelope wants nothing from you anymore. Do not test, tempt and lure me again just like that. What doesn't break you won't kill you. I'm still alive am i not? I wanted to be happy too. I chose to run this race. Alone. Where nothing and no one will ever hurt me again like that...

Poetry Session: Too Much of You

Too Much Of You

angelaires

life is

sunny,

rainy,

gloomy.

yours is

bright,

breezy,

always sunshine.

i'd rather have the rain

suffer and feel,

this impeccable pain

here, it is real.

yours is

magical,

monumental,

too much greatness

killing this empty spaces

too much,

got too much of you.

away, im running away.

yours is

whimsical,

im waking up

to what's here and now.



Summer 2012

Because i'm too busy err lazy to blog, it took me so long to post this summer escapade. Rainy season caught up on me and i got this fever on a saturday. I missed meals, absent from work and all alone mending and tending this sickness...Awww, i missed home, the feeling of someone taking care of you while you're not in your absolute health...But then again, im used to taking care of people rather than me being taken care of. So before this post gets bluer than blue and sadder than sad, let me remember my summer escapade last May 2012, and let me reminisce the fun times under the sun!

I went home primarily to attend my brother's college graduation but knowing me, i always do a sidetrip and gather my ladies for a beach bumming and cam-whoring trip!

I couldn't remember and write a vivid  narratives of the things i did so let the photos tell you what i cannot write and let me share some things that stuck my mind that time!

My Summer Reflections

• Saw a lot of stars
• Fell in love with the sunset
• Roadtrip to Iligan
• Beach bumming
• Visited Mantangale beach resort and Duka bay dive resort
• Dip in a cold spring
• Lunch by the bay
• Drank irish cream cappuccino coffee
• Ate the pride og medina-bibingka! very delicious!
• Bonding with old friends
• Moments with family and friends
• Thinking of HIM



Sunrise by the ship, on my way back to Cebu

Beach girl waiting for beach boy...

Lunch by the bay

Coral watching at Duka bay, i saw a lot of fish!

Snorkling, love it!

The high jump!

Name the species in this aquarium:)

The beach and the company, Jojie, Yen, Me and Melanie

dip

Thank you mantangale, we got the resort all by ourselves:)

Touring Medina, Gingoog City in a cold windy night

goofing!

The rock and I!

The rock and US!

Afternoon Delight

Just this afternoon i got the urge to breath some fresh air and witness the sunset. I have this flair for sunrise and sunsets you know...I think i always had but the need to really see it is so strong this past few months. Well, i'm at the stage of my life that whatever my mind concieve of wanting to do, if i can, i

really wanna do it. The idle moment of wishful thinking is so foreign to me these days. I wanna make use of the time that i have, so even if i'll end up doing it alone, i really don't care.

The thing with waiting for people to join you, is that it just prolong the moment, if not alter it completely. Because people always have the excuse to not go or even if they wanted to, they seemed to not have enough time, or maybe they just can't squeeze in the time to do so. Well, no hard feelings, i've managed on my own, and to be honest. I like this alone moments:) I've been jogging alone early morning, taking afternoon stroll, foodtripping, and maybe i'm doing this soul searching thing for all I know...but i actually enjoyed it. I'm even planning for this solo beach bumming sometime next week...and i'm excited for it!

So anyway, i really wanted to awaken my creative juices too-aka i wanna write something. I have this flair for poetry too and i'm such a pathetic, frustrated poet and a writer but what the heck, i'll just write from my heart even if it means just plain, random ramblings:) so bear with me if i'll post it here!

I Loved You First

angelaires

i loved you first

when the grass grows greener,

even when the ocean parts

your lips i know i will kiss

Oh i loved you first,

before the sun goes down

or when the sunrise is up again

let not our destiny be caved in !

yes, i loved you first

In the womb you were hiding

and back to the world you're living

here i am, waiting.

right, i loved you first

find me in the throng of strangers

i'm the one standing

right alone in the crowd hiding

soon when

lights out and everything dim

you'll see it shimmering,

shining through it will glow

this page turns over

as it began a new chapter

oh yes, i loved you first!

stunned

oh this singular calmness

silence it brings

peace and quiteness

even when there's chaos in our head

who would have thought

when waiting eludes

there it is,

this malignant enjoyment

because yes, i'll love you first

come here and now

but off the forest you must go,

conguer thy mountain, thy rock!

even thine sorrow

but, forget it not

even in all these miseries

i loved you first...

so till my hands

find your hands

whose holding hers

while the other holds the world

but then if you must

let go of one and

choose mine

because i loved you first.

this distance and detours

keep us apart yet again,

one day it will

heart to heart

keep us closer

it's because,

i loved you first

till you loved me back.

what i did this afternoon at cebu memorial park...?



i loved this flower:)



accompanied by my solitude buddies- great expectation by charles dickens, my purple diary, pen, lipbalm, water, key and my trusted phone:)



swinging! i want a traditional hammock one day:)



sound tripping too!



so till the next random afternoon delight!



because this life is such a long and winding road...



Of Waitings and Detours

Life happens...Just like that. You wake up sore with envy of all the chances you missed and all the moments passing by.

Surprisingly, everyone got a life. they managed on their own, seemed and looked happy too. And you were left in the empty road of life. And the saddest part is, no one's there holding your hand. No one's there wiping your tears, no one's there making you smile, or helping you banished the fears. You're supposed to jump on a dreaded cliff...alone.

While this seemed to be a lonely scene, why don't we tackle it differently? Yes, to an average person, it seemed pathetic to be lurking in this situation. But who says we can't defy what society dictates? I like reading posts about people sensible enough to understand that while singleness can sometimes be lonely, it is a gift in itself to discover your ultimate potential, live your life fully, enrich yourself with the wonders of this world. And someday, when it happens that you'll get lucky to be with someone, you'd have many things to share about simply because you had a headstart in discovering them .

One need not feel abashed about going through life especially in our late 20s and still alone. And i just have to make a point that just because you are single doesn't mean you are ready to mingle! I hate it when people are pushing me "not to be choosy', "lower your standard", "go out there and be seen", 'Love does not happen, you make it happen"! They're missing my point. i don't have have high standards, and im not being picky too...i just happen to know what I want and what i deserve, and yes, call me stubborn...but i don't wanna compromise...unless it's for that ultimate reason-don't ask me what?! duh!

What's my point here again? My point is there is beauty in waiting and while you're at it, enjoy your life too. You don't need to be with someone just to make you feel alive or complete. You  are whole in yourself already. I know this is better said than done, believe me, i have so many encounters that i doubted this too...but deep within, somehow i know that this is just a phase i have to go through.

Secondly, the events in the past- the almost relationship, the holding on, the first heartbreak, the time passing and eventually wasting, the lonely nights and days and the impatience of things not happening your way...They are called DETOURS. One day it will all make sense.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." 

                                                              1 Corithinthians 13:4–8

Leaving you with this song too, as we wait for that day patiently:)

I Promise

Jaci Velasquez

Lord, You know my heart
And all my desires
And the secret things I'll never tell
Lord, You know them well

Though I may be young
I see and understand
That at times like sheep we go astray
And things get out of hand

Chorus:
So I promise to be true to You
To live my life in purity
As unto You
Waiting for the day
When I hear You say
Here is the one I have created
Just for you

Until then, O Lord
I will be content
Knowing that true love
Will come someday
It will only come from You

‘Cause I have seen the suffering
That loneliness can cause
When we choose to give our love away
Without a righteous cause

chorus:
So I promise to be true to You
To live my life in purity
As unto You
Waiting for the day
When I hear You say
Here is the one I have created
Just for you

Poetry Session III

WAITING

-angelaires-

fireflies and butterflies,

bolts and lightning alike

heat and fire

all these and more

one burning desire.

across the universe,

surrounded by the sky,

heaven and earth they kiss

must be destined, you and I

a million breaths

a thousand sigh,

one last cry

then i say goodbye

gazing upon the horizon

while you trek with your wandering soul

the trails of life, sparks they fly

together, we should belong.

life won't wait

and time is fast

hurry home,

here in my heart.

Letters to Juliet,

I asked for us to meet

I am are here

One day, I know we'll get there...

Hymn for July

didn't know when

autumn left and spring sets in

didn't know how

sorrow's gone, by the wind 'twas blown.

yesterday was too far behind

all there was thine mind hath forgotten.

though the heart may carry a torch,

it's unlightened, unwelcome, banned.

how come endings,

promised so much beginnings?

and how was it that the heart no longer is blistered?

when did letting go becomes easy

for you and for me?

gentle is the night

brighter is the sun

colder is the wind

you were here

but i left when you got there.

the waiting,

the passing,

the staying,

the leaving.

Life is but a ride never ending!

your sunset,

 my sunrise.

your reality,

my pride.

your smile, my tears.

my laughter, your fears.

heart to heart

to a different direction it went

we're never bound

Oh June it's over!

You see...someone's here.

Hello July!

by angelaires

LESSONS LEARNED FROM THE FIVE PEOPLE YOU MEET IN HEAVEN

Funny, this post has been sitting on my draft items for the last 3 years now and I haven't published it yet simply because I was not able to complete it. And so one day before sleeping, I chanced upon one of Mitch Albom's novel entitled FOR ONE MORE DAY which i promised to have a separate blog, that makes me revisit this post. This time, I was able to complete it. I was just missing one lesson, which is a universal topic by the way, and for whatever reason, I didn't get the chance to collect my thoughts...back then. So read on, I think this is one of most honest post i've ever published here.



Written last March 30, 2009/ 2:30am
Inspired by Mitch Alboms' FIVE PEOPLE YOU MEET IN HEAVEN



I love reading good and easy books! Well, it's because I get to finish it in one sitting, one reading. Isn't it nice? But most importantly, you get to learn and realize so much in an hour, so many things in just one book. And how I wished what I learned then, at that time, can be applied all the time:) Well, not always the case but at least I'm able to write and share my thoughts and hopefully, little by little I can perfect it in my life. Here's one of the books I've read from this year. Truly amazing, great author. I'm so honored to be reading his book and these are the lessons I learned as well:)

  THE FIRST LESSON:

 "That there are no random acts. That We are all connected. That you can no more separate one life from another than you can separate a breeze from the wind". 

Having learned this makes me realized how the drastic and the well-thought decisions I made from the past must have affected the people around me. But those were my choices, aren't we given the freedom to do so? Should i blame myself for the things i did regardless if my intention was for the common good of  everybody? My answer is no. What it taught me though, is that since there are no random acts, i must be careful of the words that get out of my mouth; for I can never take it back. The acts i did, for i can never undo it. The thoughts I have, for it reflected what I truly feel inside. And if by chance what I did harm the people around me, hurt the friends i have, isolate and may made them feel down, it wasn't what I really wanted. It was the right choice i made at that moment. They were also given and govern by their choices, and that is up for them not to be defeated but rather take it as an experience to learn from and moved on. Life is a matter of choice, not a chance!


    " People often belittle the place where they were born. But heaven can be found in the most unlikely corners. People think of heaven as a paradise garden, a place where they can float on clouds and laze in rivers and mountains. But scenery without solace is meaningless. This is the greatest gift God can give you: To understand what happened in your life. To have it explained. It is the peace that you have been searching for."

THE SECOND LESSON:

  "We all have to make sacrifices. It is a part of life. It's supposed to be. It's not something to regret. It's something to aspire to; May it be little or big sacrifices."

Humans though, as frail and as close minded as we are, often are angry and frustrated over our own version of sacrifice. We keep thinking about what we lost and keep wondering all the might have beens and what ifs had we not sacrifice something over someone or over something else.

What's your story of sacrifice? We do that everyday and maybe we're not aware or we may be blinded and failed to realize the beauty of having prioritized not our own wants, needs and desires.

Here's my version, the one I'm aware of.

Sometimes I am envious of those people who have no obligations over their family. Who can do things as they please and spend time and money as they wish. While I, i need to save so i can give something to mine. I need to be focused, matured, responsible because i have loads of siblings who looked up to me, who sees me as someone they can emulate. I am a daughter, and by that i should not do things that would cause pain to my parents, i should be that  person they want me to be...successful. I am a sister, i looked after the younger ones. I inspire them to have a better version of themselves, to grab a dream of their own, the one they really wanted, to help them become a better and successfull person that they ought to be. I am a friend, i should look after what's best for everybody. I shoud set aside what i want in favor of what everybody wants. I put myself last sometimes, and it always ends up ME losing the essence of my existence and make me feel like i don't exist anymore, so where is the freedom of my choice? But all these are looking through a small picture. If i step outside that box and see the bigger and the better view- it makes sense. It made everything fall into place. And yes, the sacrifices, it was all worth it. That's what matters to me.

THE THIRD LESSON:

FORGIVENESS.  Holding anger is a poison. it eats you from inside. we think that hating is a weapon that attacks the person who harmed us. But hatred is a curved blade. And the harm we do, we do to ourselves. no one is born with anger. we need to free ourselves from it. we need to forgive others and forgive ourselves.

There are bad things in the past that happened to us and it may be caused by someone. But sometimes, there is comfort in having someone to blame, to make someone responsible for it. We even like to think that we are better than the rest, we live a better life, make better choices. But who are we to say that? Who are we to judge? Eveybody is going through something.  In our struggles, we are not alone. Others have their own reason for doing such at the time they did.  Everything has a reason.

We must let go of all the ill feelngs,  for it hinders us to a better place and a nicer perspective we should all feel. Let's not rob off ourself that chance to be genuinely happy and free.

The hardest to do is letting go, forgetting and forgiving. We need,  more than anything else, to forgive ourselves and to stop blaming others. I carried a resentment, and it is not helping me. So i let go of it. And it felt better now.


THE FOURTH LESSON:

LOST LOVE IS STILL LOVE. It takes a different form. Life has to end but love doesn't. Love, like the rain, can nourish from above, drenching couples with a soaking joy. But sometimes, under the angry heat of life, love dries on the surface and must be nourish from below, tending to its roots, keeping itself alive.

It's everybody's favorite topic...And i guess I love talking about this too. In fact, i talk about this all the time. But for some reason, i'm at lost of words. I need to pause right here...TO BE CONTINUED... ( March 30, 2009/ 4:20am)


THE END...


OR SO I THOUGHT.


This is where i got stucked. Three years in the making just for me to say what i have to say now? To be honest i'm not surprised at all. I have this knack of holding on to things. But for whatever its worth, the period of waiting was all i need to be able to ponder and reflect on the things that happened, how it came to be that gives me this courage to write it here before everything eludes me again. So let me say my piece now.

It's been said, told and narrated over and over again. But let me say it again, IT IS BETTER TO HAVE LOVED AND LOST THAN TO NEVER LOVE AT ALL.

So many things have changed, years have passed, seasons have cycled. The love i think will never end, suddenly becomes a memory, and even that memory is fading. It surprised me sometimes that i even tried holding on to it, as if i'll never want to put it away, to let it go, though i've been praying and wanting for that memory to stop altogether, to create a new one. I guess i can be such a walking contradiction sometimes.

Yes, i loved deeply, and i never got it. I was refused, rejected, not wanted... by the same person...over and over. For the longest time i hoped, persevered, held on, because i was big in believing that whatever i want, i'll have it so long as i work hard on it. After all, that's always been the formula that got me to where and what i am now.

But life has something else in mind for me, it has different plans- or rather it has different plans for him. He needed to fly, to explore, to discover, to wander, to savor all there is that life can offer. while i? I only wanted a free ride with him, his adventures...his thirst for life.

I never got the happy ending, did not even get close to it. But he was the greatest love, he was the first love. He was what i've been dreaming about under the cloudless sky and the moonlit nights. He was my Romeo, my Achilles. He was the first person i think of whenever i watched movies and read books. He was everywhere. He was my love. But he didn't want me, didn't give me a chance, maybe didn't even think more of me than that silly wide eyed girl so many years ago. but he was my sleepless nights, my unrequitted love.

The phase ended. After 10 years i got tired of waiting, romeo is not coming. So i let go and made a promise to myself- that i will love again someday, one day- greater than the way i loved before. i have yet to fulfill that promise. But everyday brings an unspoken hope that i'm getting close to it. i just have to believe on it for now.
HE WAS MY LOST LOVE. HE WAS MY URANOS.


THE FIFTH LESSON:

OUR EXISTENCE HAS A MEANING.
Many times we are sad because we feel like we didn't do anything with our life. We accomplished nothing. we feel like we are not supposed to be where we are.

we always want to be somewhere-there, not here. we lived thinking of what ifs and one day and someday that sometimes it felt like we lived without living at all.

I feel this, much often than i want to. Guilty as charge. People by nature is insatiable. when we are younger, we often wish something for ourselves. Pretty soon when we got what we wanted, we find
 ourselves wanting more...and more...until it neve ends. Until it took away moments of happiness just by being here- suspended by this time, this moment.

I learned that there is no insignificant, unimportant person, each of them we encounter plays a role in our lives. No matter how shortlived the moment was or how long we spent time with them, how wasted or how well spent it was. It all plays a part in our life. They come to hurts us, teach us, break us, bend us, catch us, disappoint us, love us or leave us. But look, we're still here. because our life has a meaning. find that purpose in you and hold on to it.



SO GRAB A COPY OF MITCH ALBOM'S BOOK NOW