Hymn for July

didn't know when

autumn left and spring sets in

didn't know how

sorrow's gone, by the wind 'twas blown.

yesterday was too far behind

all there was thine mind hath forgotten.

though the heart may carry a torch,

it's unlightened, unwelcome, banned.

how come endings,

promised so much beginnings?

and how was it that the heart no longer is blistered?

when did letting go becomes easy

for you and for me?

gentle is the night

brighter is the sun

colder is the wind

you were here

but i left when you got there.

the waiting,

the passing,

the staying,

the leaving.

Life is but a ride never ending!

your sunset,

 my sunrise.

your reality,

my pride.

your smile, my tears.

my laughter, your fears.

heart to heart

to a different direction it went

we're never bound

Oh June it's over!

You see...someone's here.

Hello July!

by angelaires

LESSONS LEARNED FROM THE FIVE PEOPLE YOU MEET IN HEAVEN

Funny, this post has been sitting on my draft items for the last 3 years now and I haven't published it yet simply because I was not able to complete it. And so one day before sleeping, I chanced upon one of Mitch Albom's novel entitled FOR ONE MORE DAY which i promised to have a separate blog, that makes me revisit this post. This time, I was able to complete it. I was just missing one lesson, which is a universal topic by the way, and for whatever reason, I didn't get the chance to collect my thoughts...back then. So read on, I think this is one of most honest post i've ever published here.



Written last March 30, 2009/ 2:30am
Inspired by Mitch Alboms' FIVE PEOPLE YOU MEET IN HEAVEN



I love reading good and easy books! Well, it's because I get to finish it in one sitting, one reading. Isn't it nice? But most importantly, you get to learn and realize so much in an hour, so many things in just one book. And how I wished what I learned then, at that time, can be applied all the time:) Well, not always the case but at least I'm able to write and share my thoughts and hopefully, little by little I can perfect it in my life. Here's one of the books I've read from this year. Truly amazing, great author. I'm so honored to be reading his book and these are the lessons I learned as well:)

  THE FIRST LESSON:

 "That there are no random acts. That We are all connected. That you can no more separate one life from another than you can separate a breeze from the wind". 

Having learned this makes me realized how the drastic and the well-thought decisions I made from the past must have affected the people around me. But those were my choices, aren't we given the freedom to do so? Should i blame myself for the things i did regardless if my intention was for the common good of  everybody? My answer is no. What it taught me though, is that since there are no random acts, i must be careful of the words that get out of my mouth; for I can never take it back. The acts i did, for i can never undo it. The thoughts I have, for it reflected what I truly feel inside. And if by chance what I did harm the people around me, hurt the friends i have, isolate and may made them feel down, it wasn't what I really wanted. It was the right choice i made at that moment. They were also given and govern by their choices, and that is up for them not to be defeated but rather take it as an experience to learn from and moved on. Life is a matter of choice, not a chance!


    " People often belittle the place where they were born. But heaven can be found in the most unlikely corners. People think of heaven as a paradise garden, a place where they can float on clouds and laze in rivers and mountains. But scenery without solace is meaningless. This is the greatest gift God can give you: To understand what happened in your life. To have it explained. It is the peace that you have been searching for."

THE SECOND LESSON:

  "We all have to make sacrifices. It is a part of life. It's supposed to be. It's not something to regret. It's something to aspire to; May it be little or big sacrifices."

Humans though, as frail and as close minded as we are, often are angry and frustrated over our own version of sacrifice. We keep thinking about what we lost and keep wondering all the might have beens and what ifs had we not sacrifice something over someone or over something else.

What's your story of sacrifice? We do that everyday and maybe we're not aware or we may be blinded and failed to realize the beauty of having prioritized not our own wants, needs and desires.

Here's my version, the one I'm aware of.

Sometimes I am envious of those people who have no obligations over their family. Who can do things as they please and spend time and money as they wish. While I, i need to save so i can give something to mine. I need to be focused, matured, responsible because i have loads of siblings who looked up to me, who sees me as someone they can emulate. I am a daughter, and by that i should not do things that would cause pain to my parents, i should be that  person they want me to be...successful. I am a sister, i looked after the younger ones. I inspire them to have a better version of themselves, to grab a dream of their own, the one they really wanted, to help them become a better and successfull person that they ought to be. I am a friend, i should look after what's best for everybody. I shoud set aside what i want in favor of what everybody wants. I put myself last sometimes, and it always ends up ME losing the essence of my existence and make me feel like i don't exist anymore, so where is the freedom of my choice? But all these are looking through a small picture. If i step outside that box and see the bigger and the better view- it makes sense. It made everything fall into place. And yes, the sacrifices, it was all worth it. That's what matters to me.

THE THIRD LESSON:

FORGIVENESS.  Holding anger is a poison. it eats you from inside. we think that hating is a weapon that attacks the person who harmed us. But hatred is a curved blade. And the harm we do, we do to ourselves. no one is born with anger. we need to free ourselves from it. we need to forgive others and forgive ourselves.

There are bad things in the past that happened to us and it may be caused by someone. But sometimes, there is comfort in having someone to blame, to make someone responsible for it. We even like to think that we are better than the rest, we live a better life, make better choices. But who are we to say that? Who are we to judge? Eveybody is going through something.  In our struggles, we are not alone. Others have their own reason for doing such at the time they did.  Everything has a reason.

We must let go of all the ill feelngs,  for it hinders us to a better place and a nicer perspective we should all feel. Let's not rob off ourself that chance to be genuinely happy and free.

The hardest to do is letting go, forgetting and forgiving. We need,  more than anything else, to forgive ourselves and to stop blaming others. I carried a resentment, and it is not helping me. So i let go of it. And it felt better now.


THE FOURTH LESSON:

LOST LOVE IS STILL LOVE. It takes a different form. Life has to end but love doesn't. Love, like the rain, can nourish from above, drenching couples with a soaking joy. But sometimes, under the angry heat of life, love dries on the surface and must be nourish from below, tending to its roots, keeping itself alive.

It's everybody's favorite topic...And i guess I love talking about this too. In fact, i talk about this all the time. But for some reason, i'm at lost of words. I need to pause right here...TO BE CONTINUED... ( March 30, 2009/ 4:20am)


THE END...


OR SO I THOUGHT.


This is where i got stucked. Three years in the making just for me to say what i have to say now? To be honest i'm not surprised at all. I have this knack of holding on to things. But for whatever its worth, the period of waiting was all i need to be able to ponder and reflect on the things that happened, how it came to be that gives me this courage to write it here before everything eludes me again. So let me say my piece now.

It's been said, told and narrated over and over again. But let me say it again, IT IS BETTER TO HAVE LOVED AND LOST THAN TO NEVER LOVE AT ALL.

So many things have changed, years have passed, seasons have cycled. The love i think will never end, suddenly becomes a memory, and even that memory is fading. It surprised me sometimes that i even tried holding on to it, as if i'll never want to put it away, to let it go, though i've been praying and wanting for that memory to stop altogether, to create a new one. I guess i can be such a walking contradiction sometimes.

Yes, i loved deeply, and i never got it. I was refused, rejected, not wanted... by the same person...over and over. For the longest time i hoped, persevered, held on, because i was big in believing that whatever i want, i'll have it so long as i work hard on it. After all, that's always been the formula that got me to where and what i am now.

But life has something else in mind for me, it has different plans- or rather it has different plans for him. He needed to fly, to explore, to discover, to wander, to savor all there is that life can offer. while i? I only wanted a free ride with him, his adventures...his thirst for life.

I never got the happy ending, did not even get close to it. But he was the greatest love, he was the first love. He was what i've been dreaming about under the cloudless sky and the moonlit nights. He was my Romeo, my Achilles. He was the first person i think of whenever i watched movies and read books. He was everywhere. He was my love. But he didn't want me, didn't give me a chance, maybe didn't even think more of me than that silly wide eyed girl so many years ago. but he was my sleepless nights, my unrequitted love.

The phase ended. After 10 years i got tired of waiting, romeo is not coming. So i let go and made a promise to myself- that i will love again someday, one day- greater than the way i loved before. i have yet to fulfill that promise. But everyday brings an unspoken hope that i'm getting close to it. i just have to believe on it for now.
HE WAS MY LOST LOVE. HE WAS MY URANOS.


THE FIFTH LESSON:

OUR EXISTENCE HAS A MEANING.
Many times we are sad because we feel like we didn't do anything with our life. We accomplished nothing. we feel like we are not supposed to be where we are.

we always want to be somewhere-there, not here. we lived thinking of what ifs and one day and someday that sometimes it felt like we lived without living at all.

I feel this, much often than i want to. Guilty as charge. People by nature is insatiable. when we are younger, we often wish something for ourselves. Pretty soon when we got what we wanted, we find
 ourselves wanting more...and more...until it neve ends. Until it took away moments of happiness just by being here- suspended by this time, this moment.

I learned that there is no insignificant, unimportant person, each of them we encounter plays a role in our lives. No matter how shortlived the moment was or how long we spent time with them, how wasted or how well spent it was. It all plays a part in our life. They come to hurts us, teach us, break us, bend us, catch us, disappoint us, love us or leave us. But look, we're still here. because our life has a meaning. find that purpose in you and hold on to it.



SO GRAB A COPY OF MITCH ALBOM'S BOOK NOW

Poetry Session II

UNTITLED

angelaires

Amidst the oblivion

a vague shadow of a memory

I stumblbled upon

a cold hearted soul...

In his eyes there was pain

But his words hide it all

In his smile there was sorrow

Yet his speech decieves everyone

Queer...for it amazed me more.

And he grieves without tears

And laughs without the laughter

And savor all that life could offer
Yet he reveals not one of his inner turmoil
How can someone who have so much to give,
So many to achieve yet refused to believe?

He stares at me without looking at the real me
He knows my fear and all that I will dare.
He got me confused yet makes me amused
Oh how could I love him, how could I not forget him?

And he slowly smiled, the nonchanalnt smile
And it feels like im standing alone in the crowd...
caught in the wonder of my emotion
Oh Ilove you so, yes I love you so...

You told me to run, away from you...
But the nearer I wanted to be.
You warned me not to fall
The harder I land
alone, without you.

You told me enough
but my heart beg me still to love
Love the the you that I come to know
Though you will never settle,
For you are a free spirit
Roaming the world
Lost, a wanderlust yet to go home...

My sweet, you held my heart.
You got me tangled in the webb of your world
I'm in now don't push me out.
If i falter, if I fall, If i get hurt,
Then I will feel the pain and the fall.

And later i will heal the wound
And mend my heart
But never shove me away
No never blocked my way to you
Leet me be in the dark where you are.

In the alley of pain you suffer,
In the the world of demons inside your head,
I will stay, I will never go.
because there is nowhere that I'd rather be
But with you...Just with you

Dear Traveller

Dear traveller,

I promise to have some pride. Forgive thine amazement. I've been here before and i know where I'm going. I guess the first time was the one that hurts the most. You are obviously not my URANOS. But you did share something similar...My taste for something unconventional.

Thank you. For the inspiration, the smile and the hype whenever I received your reply. The chance meeting and the short conversation.The answering of you phone even when I'm just mumbling nothing. Thank you. We don't know each other and prolly won't have the chance to do so...But thank you, it made me forget a memory I've been dreading to bury for a very long time now. Though ours doesn't have any possibility, the thought is bittersweet...Yes, letting go is bittersweet.

Finally URANOS can rest, in the grave he created for himself...  and what about PENELOPE? She can rest her wandering mind too, and start anew. She will soon fulfill the promise she made to herself one day...some day.

The night is cold but the warmth inside me will glow- invigorating, emaculate, enigmatic like the moon as it hangs herself over the restless sky. The stars may not show tonight, but I will always be comforted that tomorrow or the day after, it will circle itself, reveal itself too, happilly around others and in it's moon.

Some days you give in- to your desires, to any feeling that will make you feel alive, that will break the monotony of your life. You are one of that day to me. I don't wanna be carried away, i know too much of the reality- and I know it will strike soon-sooner than i may expect. So before I land hard on the ground, i'll rest my foot willingly, freely...because I can't take another fall knowing no one's gonna catch me there. Don't worry, I stay true to what I said before-to URANOS, and I'll say it again-to you: that I WILL NEVER CRY LIKE PENELOPE DID.



Ciao!

Yours truly,

angelaires

DANCING in the RAIN:)



Dancing in the rain, jumping of pure joy:)

Lately, I've been thinking of bathing and dancing  in the rain as part of my bucket list. This is really not hard to do since we experience rainy season in the philippines most of the time. But with all the work, graveyard schedule and the small, even unimportant issues of my life- this is closed to impossible for me.

But one fine day, out of the blue it rained so hard and fast. I was staring out of the window and suddenly got this urged to run, bask in the rain, be like a child again. The problem is I just need someone to do it with me. I don't know, I think moments are enjoyed best when you have someone to share it with:) Just my opinion though. Good thing my good, long time friend Joyax was home that time...and so we played, run, wrestled and had fun in the pouring RAIN. It was pure sweet madness:) how happy I was to gave in to it...and how thankful i am that Joy, though very unwilling, gave in to my pestering request. Yey!

To quote how she came to agree to do this silly fun stuff with me:

Me: come on girl, when was the last time you bath in the rain?!

Joy: I don't know, college? Only because you're caught offguard by the rain and you don't have an umbrella?

Me: Exactly! The last time I rememeber was in high school, and this won't happen again, not in the next decade! come on let's go!

Joy: come on ai, seize the moment!, it's your moment!

Me; and you're just gonna watch me do my moment?! come on join me in my moment!

Joy: (bargaining part) you're gonna feed me after if I'll join you?

Me: I'll cook dinner tonight, don't worry we'll have food!

Joy: No, i want it right after coz i'll be hungry by then and i'm gonna sleep too (she has work that night)

Me: Well, i have noodles, and we'll buy egg, that woud suffice till dinner tonight (we have friends coming over that night)!

Anyhow, i just dragged her out of the door and into the rain. physically she's a lot stronger than i am, but verbally I won that round! She didn't have a choice, or maybe i was just too persistent I won't stop until she gave in:))))



The playing and dancing in the rain wish is granted







wet and not so wild:)





Im one Happy child:)




 

After basking ourselves in the rain, we decided to roam around the area-while it was still raining to buy food. We had this random and funny topics discussed. Let me share it from my memory:

1. Rundown of the mushy moments we had individually- all pertaining to/and relating to the rain and water. Aka, ngbibidahan ng mga experiences with boys, and of the would have been movie scenes. I only had few though...haha

Joy:  Beat this, some guy putting their arms around you, along the shoreline, while its raining softly, slowly (aww, like a movie scene right?)

Me:  walked when it was drizzling, with this one guy from college, and that was what i call a break up scene (haha,how do you break up when you never got into into a relationship? like duh!) when he confessed of falling in love with me- and with y roomate too! he's one weird guy i think:)

Joy: Playing in the rain or something, and in a slowmo type of way, you'll be hugged if the guy will catch you!

Me: oh I had that moment too, only that it didn't happen while it was raining! haha

ahhh, memory gap alert! I'm sure there were too many experiences shared but I can't remember them no more! forgive thine memory:)

2. We both agree that it would have been nicer if we did the rain tripping thing somewhere more provincial. Reason being is because there were just too many instances that a car would run fast and left us bathing in the rain and  drainage water too straight in our face and rain-showered body already!

3. This scene would have been nicer too with a special someone in the future-someday!

4. Her pressing me about what I felt with this traveler- why im stopping myself for whatever it is that i'm feeling- which i don't wanna elaborate:)

5. Her issues and concerns about our growing up/old and the pressure that comes along with it. In short I was just nagging her about seizing the moment. Carpi diem!

6. My travel plans:)

The end:) Till the next random moment:)

I WILL do anything for LOVE

WARNING! ---This is not a love story. But read on, you might LOVE me or hate me:)







I will write you poems...as often as I can, As frequent as how elated I am.

I will sing you a love song...always. Regardless of how out of tune I am...

I will give you praises...but only if it comes from my heart. There will be no lip service my dear.

I will encourage you, support you, exalt you, be here for you.

I will give you TIME ...time for your self, time to go on your own, time to ponder and reflect. Even when that time will be spent apart from me, you can have it so long as it will enrich you.

I will feed your mind, with my silly, raw and random thoughts, with my unorthodox ways and even with the trivial things in life.

I will fill your days and nights, with stories of our lives and the world we live in.

I will nourish your body and soul...aka, i will cook for you...fill your stomach with my many talents in burning food and whiping out of this world dishes:)

I will brave the sea, climb the mountains, travel the miles and spent my last penny...to be with you. Just don't let me jump off a cliff, try "THE PLUNGE", go skydiving or jump off from a helicopter. I have this fear of heights for goodness sake!

I will give you massage even if i don't know how to, do errands for you and even watch you sleep. You can take comfort in my arms, here i will shelter you even with the demons running in your mind.

I will watch the sunset with you, feel the beauty of its colors and catch it in my hands as I paint the beauty of our love...we will grow old gracefully, the way it fades through our eyes as it joined forces with the night.

I will look forward to every sunrise, it will be a reminder of the new day and the journey will walk together day by day.

I will LOVE you. Unconditionally I hope. With all the love that I can muster. I will shower you with kisses, hug you when you need it best. Lie still, be still with you...suspended. there will be no spaces and distance with us. Only each other to fill those gaps.


BUT in return... YOU shall do all these for me!!!


1. You shall finish my food, because i have this bad habit for leftovers!. There's always something left on my plate and you have to devour it or else....haha
2. You shall hold my hands. I'm looking forward to the holding hands...but don't do it in public...until I'm ready and I wouldn't feel that "yucky love stuff" lovers do!
3. You shall kiss me, only when we both feel like it.
4. You shall not shower me with I love you's- whether in text or when you call. I'd rather hear an "I love you" one time in one hundred years, when you say it with the utmost sincerity, than hear it a thousand times because you are oblige and dictated by what and how it should be.
5. You shall respect my individuality and privacy. When days that i don't wanna talk, just hold me. When i shrug you off just stay, when i don't let you speak just listen to my ranting and whining. When i become stubborn just let me be. But be there for me. Because when all else fail I shall be there for you as well. In short moody ako ok?!
6. You shall love my family. Because no matter how imperfect they are, they will always be the one constant thing in my life.
7. You shall not bring me flowers or give me chocolates. Just show me love. If flowers and chocolates are your ways of expressing love, then by all means it will be accepted! Ang gulo ko noh?!
8. You shall not call me HONEY. But I can call you BABE or whatever I want to call you...
9. My list is too long so I will end it here... We'll find out the rest together, coz i honestly don't know yet:)

the waiting...

wondering if you'd ever coming around...

The Dilemma

Have you ever been in a situation where you need to choose one over another but you badly want both?

Hell no, I'm not talking about my lovelife here! (as if i have one:}). I've been battling about my options given the chances and choices there is in front of me. But what am I talking about???

Well, I've been reading a lot and there's just too many people, stories and experiences that got me inspired. But they have a common theme to always follow what you want, fuel your life with passion, go for the one that makes you truly happy, don't let the moment pass you by etc... It really got me thinking and reflecting about my own life too. What do i want, where am i going? Im so not getting any younger but I don't wanna be pressured about the age thing...Who's in a hurry? But they have a point, time is ticking, the things I can do now, i might not be able to do them in the years to come.
Okay, enough of the suspense, spill the beans.

I remember the posts about my ultimate dream-the one i gave up but I don't wanna let too many moments passed me by. I don't wanna leave in regret when I look back one day. I'm gonna chase after what I want too:)

So what do I want? There's two things I know I'll forever regret if I won't do it this year: STUDY AND TRAVEL. The latter seemed more fun to do but remember I am suddenly in a timeline that before I reached the big 3-0,  I gotta be able to get the master's degree too, else i'll be so fucked up:) and I don't ever wanna feel that way again. So why and what's causing the dilemma?
For one, if I pursue my studies I won't be able to travel. Why because between the two I'm also doing this 8 hour work. I gotta have work to finance my journey right?

I figured my 2 days rest day will be spent schooling, researching, brow burning. Definitely no time for travel. Then again if I choose to travel, I know in my heart I'll live with regret because I've always wanted to study again. It's part of the reason why I moved here in Cebu. I've been delaying the dream and the plan for so many years now. So what have I decided?

After a month of this pressing, stressful thinking, I've decided to do both. I wanna know the two sides of the road. How would I do it? I figured timing and careful planning may help.

So what's the plan? The plan is to travel first. Yes. Traveling comes first:) My brother will graduate by May, so less expenses on the family and more on me! Schooling starts by June, but I can't wait to be on the road, explore beaches and thousand sunsets and sunrises. I can't wait. So the first half of the year will be spent traveling and the second half for studying. I think it sounds pretty fair. What you think?
 really, really hope this time it'll happen accordingly. God let it happen this year!

I know this may not really be a major dilemma to some but for me it is. My hobbies and perspective changed a bit. I fell in love with traveling too, but it's not the only thing I wanted to do. It's never really too late or too old to follow the dream, find whatever it is that keeps  you awake at night, fuel it, hold on to it. It's better to have a goal than lie idle and wake up one day with your whole life passing right in front your  eyes.

I'm excited how this journey will end, i'm looking forward for the adventure and how different it will be once I go back to school. I'm not even sure if my perspective will change after since i'll pursue travel first. One step at a time. One baby step, one small leap if faith:)

Explore

The mountains...

The ocean...

the beaches...Coz life can't wait:)