Bittersweet...

We were inside one classroom, yes, the same room we went in and out during our college days...On separate ocassions of course. against my fervent wish and desire to be with you for just one class. Just so I would know how it felt being with you, inside a classroom setting, and drinking in your thought and getting lost perhaps in all your splendor presence.

Anyhow, it was a quizbee or something, and i wondered why I was there in the first place. I wasn't the brainy type. Unlike you, you'll be in every contest, quizbees, debate and all. In a haze the event started, and it was a Math quizbee to my surprise! Wow, don't i get to choose and decide here? Me and the numbers, formulas and equation were never friends. Unlike you, it's your forte. You always knew almost everything. Then everyone got busy answering and thinking and analyzing...and i was lost there. Still wondering why, why i was there, and why i was there-with you, inside that room.

Just like a movie came the second scene, everyone was forcing you and i towards each other, expectant...for something i don't know. And you did something that's so you, you were never a fan of crowd and people cheering and cajoling, you'll do things your way. So you did it privately and drag me out of that room and we were outside and you were trying hard to explain, give reasons and let me understand why it never happened what i wanted to happen from years ago. You lost the right words to say or perhaps you don't know how to say it and you pulled me into a tight embrace. So tight i felt like i'll burst into bubbles and i was so afraid for that moment to fade, for you to slip away so fast, so soon... So i hugged you back, tighter. as if i'll never want to let you go...ever. To my amazement  i saw you holding back your tears, and your voice choking.
"i'm sorry" you said.
"what for? why?" I answered. Bewildered still.

And you told me you would have wanted to connive with my friends and your friends to get me here so we can talk and you can tell so many things but you were afraid i'd notice, you were afraid i'd walked out. And you told me a lot more. You told me how you would have wanted me before, back when i was so obssesed of being with you. But it didn't happen but how you wanted it to and how you wanted to get back and make up for the lost time and start right here and now with me. For a moment i remembered how it took me so long to end my misery, my addiction of you...and how easily you came back and tell me all these things now...things that never happened nor said back then. And if it was the universe conspired, i chose to let of that doubt and gave in to you...again. i surrendered. And hugged you tight, so tight and we were both crying, for the lost time, for this jovial rendezvous. Like everything resonates what we feel- thunder, bolts, drums and butterflies! Alas, how sweet, how my heart pounds and burst with everything. Is it real? are you here?

My eyes pop open. I saw my bed, my room, my pillow. You were just a dream. then and now. But it felt so real, so vivid, so alive, so consuming that i closed my eyes back and hugged tight my pillow thinking it was still you. For a moment i was toying with the idea of going back to sleep and continue that dream, that sweet escape. I could do that, I've proven to myself time and again that i have this habit of being able to continue my dreams just as long as i'll choose to go back to that slumber. That was a sweet slumber.

But I remembered. How it took me so much time to be where i am now away from that thought of you and I, of the idea that someday we might really end up in each others arms, of that promise that i'll be the HOME you can run to when everything else fails or when you're  done roaming the world or when you get tired and wanted to slow down and rest awhile. Yes i remembered how hard it was, how it felt. How the rejection left me battered and bruised that resulted to me not wanting to feel that way again. That ended up me being so guarded now. Your memory kept me alive, but I want my life back. I've had it back for awhile now, why do you have to haunt me like that?

With all the courage that i can muster, i opened my eyes again. I've chosen to let go sometime ago. I can do it now. I chose to do it now. You fed my dreams and lonely days, but i learned to color my own rainbow, water my own plants and be my own sunshine. That room is locked, shut down, closed forever. Let's not go there. Let me go URANOS. Penelope wants nothing from you anymore. Do not test, tempt and lure me again just like that. What doesn't break you won't kill you. I'm still alive am i not? I wanted to be happy too. I chose to run this race. Alone. Where nothing and no one will ever hurt me again like that...

Poetry Session II

UNTITLED

angelaires

Amidst the oblivion

a vague shadow of a memory

I stumblbled upon

a cold hearted soul...

In his eyes there was pain

But his words hide it all

In his smile there was sorrow

Yet his speech decieves everyone

Queer...for it amazed me more.

And he grieves without tears

And laughs without the laughter

And savor all that life could offer
Yet he reveals not one of his inner turmoil
How can someone who have so much to give,
So many to achieve yet refused to believe?

He stares at me without looking at the real me
He knows my fear and all that I will dare.
He got me confused yet makes me amused
Oh how could I love him, how could I not forget him?

And he slowly smiled, the nonchanalnt smile
And it feels like im standing alone in the crowd...
caught in the wonder of my emotion
Oh Ilove you so, yes I love you so...

You told me to run, away from you...
But the nearer I wanted to be.
You warned me not to fall
The harder I land
alone, without you.

You told me enough
but my heart beg me still to love
Love the the you that I come to know
Though you will never settle,
For you are a free spirit
Roaming the world
Lost, a wanderlust yet to go home...

My sweet, you held my heart.
You got me tangled in the webb of your world
I'm in now don't push me out.
If i falter, if I fall, If i get hurt,
Then I will feel the pain and the fall.

And later i will heal the wound
And mend my heart
But never shove me away
No never blocked my way to you
Leet me be in the dark where you are.

In the alley of pain you suffer,
In the the world of demons inside your head,
I will stay, I will never go.
because there is nowhere that I'd rather be
But with you...Just with you

Dear Traveller

Dear traveller,

I promise to have some pride. Forgive thine amazement. I've been here before and i know where I'm going. I guess the first time was the one that hurts the most. You are obviously not my URANOS. But you did share something similar...My taste for something unconventional.

Thank you. For the inspiration, the smile and the hype whenever I received your reply. The chance meeting and the short conversation.The answering of you phone even when I'm just mumbling nothing. Thank you. We don't know each other and prolly won't have the chance to do so...But thank you, it made me forget a memory I've been dreading to bury for a very long time now. Though ours doesn't have any possibility, the thought is bittersweet...Yes, letting go is bittersweet.

Finally URANOS can rest, in the grave he created for himself...  and what about PENELOPE? She can rest her wandering mind too, and start anew. She will soon fulfill the promise she made to herself one day...some day.

The night is cold but the warmth inside me will glow- invigorating, emaculate, enigmatic like the moon as it hangs herself over the restless sky. The stars may not show tonight, but I will always be comforted that tomorrow or the day after, it will circle itself, reveal itself too, happilly around others and in it's moon.

Some days you give in- to your desires, to any feeling that will make you feel alive, that will break the monotony of your life. You are one of that day to me. I don't wanna be carried away, i know too much of the reality- and I know it will strike soon-sooner than i may expect. So before I land hard on the ground, i'll rest my foot willingly, freely...because I can't take another fall knowing no one's gonna catch me there. Don't worry, I stay true to what I said before-to URANOS, and I'll say it again-to you: that I WILL NEVER CRY LIKE PENELOPE DID.



Ciao!

Yours truly,

angelaires