Afternoon Delight

Just this afternoon i got the urge to breath some fresh air and witness the sunset. I have this flair for sunrise and sunsets you know...I think i always had but the need to really see it is so strong this past few months. Well, i'm at the stage of my life that whatever my mind concieve of wanting to do, if i can, i

really wanna do it. The idle moment of wishful thinking is so foreign to me these days. I wanna make use of the time that i have, so even if i'll end up doing it alone, i really don't care.

The thing with waiting for people to join you, is that it just prolong the moment, if not alter it completely. Because people always have the excuse to not go or even if they wanted to, they seemed to not have enough time, or maybe they just can't squeeze in the time to do so. Well, no hard feelings, i've managed on my own, and to be honest. I like this alone moments:) I've been jogging alone early morning, taking afternoon stroll, foodtripping, and maybe i'm doing this soul searching thing for all I know...but i actually enjoyed it. I'm even planning for this solo beach bumming sometime next week...and i'm excited for it!

So anyway, i really wanted to awaken my creative juices too-aka i wanna write something. I have this flair for poetry too and i'm such a pathetic, frustrated poet and a writer but what the heck, i'll just write from my heart even if it means just plain, random ramblings:) so bear with me if i'll post it here!

I Loved You First

angelaires

i loved you first

when the grass grows greener,

even when the ocean parts

your lips i know i will kiss

Oh i loved you first,

before the sun goes down

or when the sunrise is up again

let not our destiny be caved in !

yes, i loved you first

In the womb you were hiding

and back to the world you're living

here i am, waiting.

right, i loved you first

find me in the throng of strangers

i'm the one standing

right alone in the crowd hiding

soon when

lights out and everything dim

you'll see it shimmering,

shining through it will glow

this page turns over

as it began a new chapter

oh yes, i loved you first!

stunned

oh this singular calmness

silence it brings

peace and quiteness

even when there's chaos in our head

who would have thought

when waiting eludes

there it is,

this malignant enjoyment

because yes, i'll love you first

come here and now

but off the forest you must go,

conguer thy mountain, thy rock!

even thine sorrow

but, forget it not

even in all these miseries

i loved you first...

so till my hands

find your hands

whose holding hers

while the other holds the world

but then if you must

let go of one and

choose mine

because i loved you first.

this distance and detours

keep us apart yet again,

one day it will

heart to heart

keep us closer

it's because,

i loved you first

till you loved me back.

what i did this afternoon at cebu memorial park...?



i loved this flower:)



accompanied by my solitude buddies- great expectation by charles dickens, my purple diary, pen, lipbalm, water, key and my trusted phone:)



swinging! i want a traditional hammock one day:)



sound tripping too!



so till the next random afternoon delight!



because this life is such a long and winding road...



Of Waitings and Detours

Life happens...Just like that. You wake up sore with envy of all the chances you missed and all the moments passing by.

Surprisingly, everyone got a life. they managed on their own, seemed and looked happy too. And you were left in the empty road of life. And the saddest part is, no one's there holding your hand. No one's there wiping your tears, no one's there making you smile, or helping you banished the fears. You're supposed to jump on a dreaded cliff...alone.

While this seemed to be a lonely scene, why don't we tackle it differently? Yes, to an average person, it seemed pathetic to be lurking in this situation. But who says we can't defy what society dictates? I like reading posts about people sensible enough to understand that while singleness can sometimes be lonely, it is a gift in itself to discover your ultimate potential, live your life fully, enrich yourself with the wonders of this world. And someday, when it happens that you'll get lucky to be with someone, you'd have many things to share about simply because you had a headstart in discovering them .

One need not feel abashed about going through life especially in our late 20s and still alone. And i just have to make a point that just because you are single doesn't mean you are ready to mingle! I hate it when people are pushing me "not to be choosy', "lower your standard", "go out there and be seen", 'Love does not happen, you make it happen"! They're missing my point. i don't have have high standards, and im not being picky too...i just happen to know what I want and what i deserve, and yes, call me stubborn...but i don't wanna compromise...unless it's for that ultimate reason-don't ask me what?! duh!

What's my point here again? My point is there is beauty in waiting and while you're at it, enjoy your life too. You don't need to be with someone just to make you feel alive or complete. You  are whole in yourself already. I know this is better said than done, believe me, i have so many encounters that i doubted this too...but deep within, somehow i know that this is just a phase i have to go through.

Secondly, the events in the past- the almost relationship, the holding on, the first heartbreak, the time passing and eventually wasting, the lonely nights and days and the impatience of things not happening your way...They are called DETOURS. One day it will all make sense.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." 

                                                              1 Corithinthians 13:4–8

Leaving you with this song too, as we wait for that day patiently:)

I Promise

Jaci Velasquez

Lord, You know my heart
And all my desires
And the secret things I'll never tell
Lord, You know them well

Though I may be young
I see and understand
That at times like sheep we go astray
And things get out of hand

Chorus:
So I promise to be true to You
To live my life in purity
As unto You
Waiting for the day
When I hear You say
Here is the one I have created
Just for you

Until then, O Lord
I will be content
Knowing that true love
Will come someday
It will only come from You

‘Cause I have seen the suffering
That loneliness can cause
When we choose to give our love away
Without a righteous cause

chorus:
So I promise to be true to You
To live my life in purity
As unto You
Waiting for the day
When I hear You say
Here is the one I have created
Just for you

LESSONS LEARNED FROM THE FIVE PEOPLE YOU MEET IN HEAVEN

Funny, this post has been sitting on my draft items for the last 3 years now and I haven't published it yet simply because I was not able to complete it. And so one day before sleeping, I chanced upon one of Mitch Albom's novel entitled FOR ONE MORE DAY which i promised to have a separate blog, that makes me revisit this post. This time, I was able to complete it. I was just missing one lesson, which is a universal topic by the way, and for whatever reason, I didn't get the chance to collect my thoughts...back then. So read on, I think this is one of most honest post i've ever published here.



Written last March 30, 2009/ 2:30am
Inspired by Mitch Alboms' FIVE PEOPLE YOU MEET IN HEAVEN



I love reading good and easy books! Well, it's because I get to finish it in one sitting, one reading. Isn't it nice? But most importantly, you get to learn and realize so much in an hour, so many things in just one book. And how I wished what I learned then, at that time, can be applied all the time:) Well, not always the case but at least I'm able to write and share my thoughts and hopefully, little by little I can perfect it in my life. Here's one of the books I've read from this year. Truly amazing, great author. I'm so honored to be reading his book and these are the lessons I learned as well:)

  THE FIRST LESSON:

 "That there are no random acts. That We are all connected. That you can no more separate one life from another than you can separate a breeze from the wind". 

Having learned this makes me realized how the drastic and the well-thought decisions I made from the past must have affected the people around me. But those were my choices, aren't we given the freedom to do so? Should i blame myself for the things i did regardless if my intention was for the common good of  everybody? My answer is no. What it taught me though, is that since there are no random acts, i must be careful of the words that get out of my mouth; for I can never take it back. The acts i did, for i can never undo it. The thoughts I have, for it reflected what I truly feel inside. And if by chance what I did harm the people around me, hurt the friends i have, isolate and may made them feel down, it wasn't what I really wanted. It was the right choice i made at that moment. They were also given and govern by their choices, and that is up for them not to be defeated but rather take it as an experience to learn from and moved on. Life is a matter of choice, not a chance!


    " People often belittle the place where they were born. But heaven can be found in the most unlikely corners. People think of heaven as a paradise garden, a place where they can float on clouds and laze in rivers and mountains. But scenery without solace is meaningless. This is the greatest gift God can give you: To understand what happened in your life. To have it explained. It is the peace that you have been searching for."

THE SECOND LESSON:

  "We all have to make sacrifices. It is a part of life. It's supposed to be. It's not something to regret. It's something to aspire to; May it be little or big sacrifices."

Humans though, as frail and as close minded as we are, often are angry and frustrated over our own version of sacrifice. We keep thinking about what we lost and keep wondering all the might have beens and what ifs had we not sacrifice something over someone or over something else.

What's your story of sacrifice? We do that everyday and maybe we're not aware or we may be blinded and failed to realize the beauty of having prioritized not our own wants, needs and desires.

Here's my version, the one I'm aware of.

Sometimes I am envious of those people who have no obligations over their family. Who can do things as they please and spend time and money as they wish. While I, i need to save so i can give something to mine. I need to be focused, matured, responsible because i have loads of siblings who looked up to me, who sees me as someone they can emulate. I am a daughter, and by that i should not do things that would cause pain to my parents, i should be that  person they want me to be...successful. I am a sister, i looked after the younger ones. I inspire them to have a better version of themselves, to grab a dream of their own, the one they really wanted, to help them become a better and successfull person that they ought to be. I am a friend, i should look after what's best for everybody. I shoud set aside what i want in favor of what everybody wants. I put myself last sometimes, and it always ends up ME losing the essence of my existence and make me feel like i don't exist anymore, so where is the freedom of my choice? But all these are looking through a small picture. If i step outside that box and see the bigger and the better view- it makes sense. It made everything fall into place. And yes, the sacrifices, it was all worth it. That's what matters to me.

THE THIRD LESSON:

FORGIVENESS.  Holding anger is a poison. it eats you from inside. we think that hating is a weapon that attacks the person who harmed us. But hatred is a curved blade. And the harm we do, we do to ourselves. no one is born with anger. we need to free ourselves from it. we need to forgive others and forgive ourselves.

There are bad things in the past that happened to us and it may be caused by someone. But sometimes, there is comfort in having someone to blame, to make someone responsible for it. We even like to think that we are better than the rest, we live a better life, make better choices. But who are we to say that? Who are we to judge? Eveybody is going through something.  In our struggles, we are not alone. Others have their own reason for doing such at the time they did.  Everything has a reason.

We must let go of all the ill feelngs,  for it hinders us to a better place and a nicer perspective we should all feel. Let's not rob off ourself that chance to be genuinely happy and free.

The hardest to do is letting go, forgetting and forgiving. We need,  more than anything else, to forgive ourselves and to stop blaming others. I carried a resentment, and it is not helping me. So i let go of it. And it felt better now.


THE FOURTH LESSON:

LOST LOVE IS STILL LOVE. It takes a different form. Life has to end but love doesn't. Love, like the rain, can nourish from above, drenching couples with a soaking joy. But sometimes, under the angry heat of life, love dries on the surface and must be nourish from below, tending to its roots, keeping itself alive.

It's everybody's favorite topic...And i guess I love talking about this too. In fact, i talk about this all the time. But for some reason, i'm at lost of words. I need to pause right here...TO BE CONTINUED... ( March 30, 2009/ 4:20am)


THE END...


OR SO I THOUGHT.


This is where i got stucked. Three years in the making just for me to say what i have to say now? To be honest i'm not surprised at all. I have this knack of holding on to things. But for whatever its worth, the period of waiting was all i need to be able to ponder and reflect on the things that happened, how it came to be that gives me this courage to write it here before everything eludes me again. So let me say my piece now.

It's been said, told and narrated over and over again. But let me say it again, IT IS BETTER TO HAVE LOVED AND LOST THAN TO NEVER LOVE AT ALL.

So many things have changed, years have passed, seasons have cycled. The love i think will never end, suddenly becomes a memory, and even that memory is fading. It surprised me sometimes that i even tried holding on to it, as if i'll never want to put it away, to let it go, though i've been praying and wanting for that memory to stop altogether, to create a new one. I guess i can be such a walking contradiction sometimes.

Yes, i loved deeply, and i never got it. I was refused, rejected, not wanted... by the same person...over and over. For the longest time i hoped, persevered, held on, because i was big in believing that whatever i want, i'll have it so long as i work hard on it. After all, that's always been the formula that got me to where and what i am now.

But life has something else in mind for me, it has different plans- or rather it has different plans for him. He needed to fly, to explore, to discover, to wander, to savor all there is that life can offer. while i? I only wanted a free ride with him, his adventures...his thirst for life.

I never got the happy ending, did not even get close to it. But he was the greatest love, he was the first love. He was what i've been dreaming about under the cloudless sky and the moonlit nights. He was my Romeo, my Achilles. He was the first person i think of whenever i watched movies and read books. He was everywhere. He was my love. But he didn't want me, didn't give me a chance, maybe didn't even think more of me than that silly wide eyed girl so many years ago. but he was my sleepless nights, my unrequitted love.

The phase ended. After 10 years i got tired of waiting, romeo is not coming. So i let go and made a promise to myself- that i will love again someday, one day- greater than the way i loved before. i have yet to fulfill that promise. But everyday brings an unspoken hope that i'm getting close to it. i just have to believe on it for now.
HE WAS MY LOST LOVE. HE WAS MY URANOS.


THE FIFTH LESSON:

OUR EXISTENCE HAS A MEANING.
Many times we are sad because we feel like we didn't do anything with our life. We accomplished nothing. we feel like we are not supposed to be where we are.

we always want to be somewhere-there, not here. we lived thinking of what ifs and one day and someday that sometimes it felt like we lived without living at all.

I feel this, much often than i want to. Guilty as charge. People by nature is insatiable. when we are younger, we often wish something for ourselves. Pretty soon when we got what we wanted, we find
 ourselves wanting more...and more...until it neve ends. Until it took away moments of happiness just by being here- suspended by this time, this moment.

I learned that there is no insignificant, unimportant person, each of them we encounter plays a role in our lives. No matter how shortlived the moment was or how long we spent time with them, how wasted or how well spent it was. It all plays a part in our life. They come to hurts us, teach us, break us, bend us, catch us, disappoint us, love us or leave us. But look, we're still here. because our life has a meaning. find that purpose in you and hold on to it.



SO GRAB A COPY OF MITCH ALBOM'S BOOK NOW

I WILL do anything for LOVE

WARNING! ---This is not a love story. But read on, you might LOVE me or hate me:)







I will write you poems...as often as I can, As frequent as how elated I am.

I will sing you a love song...always. Regardless of how out of tune I am...

I will give you praises...but only if it comes from my heart. There will be no lip service my dear.

I will encourage you, support you, exalt you, be here for you.

I will give you TIME ...time for your self, time to go on your own, time to ponder and reflect. Even when that time will be spent apart from me, you can have it so long as it will enrich you.

I will feed your mind, with my silly, raw and random thoughts, with my unorthodox ways and even with the trivial things in life.

I will fill your days and nights, with stories of our lives and the world we live in.

I will nourish your body and soul...aka, i will cook for you...fill your stomach with my many talents in burning food and whiping out of this world dishes:)

I will brave the sea, climb the mountains, travel the miles and spent my last penny...to be with you. Just don't let me jump off a cliff, try "THE PLUNGE", go skydiving or jump off from a helicopter. I have this fear of heights for goodness sake!

I will give you massage even if i don't know how to, do errands for you and even watch you sleep. You can take comfort in my arms, here i will shelter you even with the demons running in your mind.

I will watch the sunset with you, feel the beauty of its colors and catch it in my hands as I paint the beauty of our love...we will grow old gracefully, the way it fades through our eyes as it joined forces with the night.

I will look forward to every sunrise, it will be a reminder of the new day and the journey will walk together day by day.

I will LOVE you. Unconditionally I hope. With all the love that I can muster. I will shower you with kisses, hug you when you need it best. Lie still, be still with you...suspended. there will be no spaces and distance with us. Only each other to fill those gaps.


BUT in return... YOU shall do all these for me!!!


1. You shall finish my food, because i have this bad habit for leftovers!. There's always something left on my plate and you have to devour it or else....haha
2. You shall hold my hands. I'm looking forward to the holding hands...but don't do it in public...until I'm ready and I wouldn't feel that "yucky love stuff" lovers do!
3. You shall kiss me, only when we both feel like it.
4. You shall not shower me with I love you's- whether in text or when you call. I'd rather hear an "I love you" one time in one hundred years, when you say it with the utmost sincerity, than hear it a thousand times because you are oblige and dictated by what and how it should be.
5. You shall respect my individuality and privacy. When days that i don't wanna talk, just hold me. When i shrug you off just stay, when i don't let you speak just listen to my ranting and whining. When i become stubborn just let me be. But be there for me. Because when all else fail I shall be there for you as well. In short moody ako ok?!
6. You shall love my family. Because no matter how imperfect they are, they will always be the one constant thing in my life.
7. You shall not bring me flowers or give me chocolates. Just show me love. If flowers and chocolates are your ways of expressing love, then by all means it will be accepted! Ang gulo ko noh?!
8. You shall not call me HONEY. But I can call you BABE or whatever I want to call you...
9. My list is too long so I will end it here... We'll find out the rest together, coz i honestly don't know yet:)

the waiting...

wondering if you'd ever coming around...

Letter to URANOS

Dear You,

I recently had a dream about you. I don't dream that often about you anymore, but when days are colder and my world lacks a little spice, thoughts of you bolts just out of nowhere.

It shouldn't be this way. I'd learned to move on. So stop haunting my thoughts. I don't even want to remember you anymore. Don't pity me. I'm in a better place, nicer mindset. Without you there's more peace, less heartache.

I always get things the hard way, nothing comes easy and I'm cool with that. Until you get in the way. So allow me to love again...Or was I ever in love before? Maybe I was just obsessed with this idea of you and idea of this love i thought I had for you...10 years, that should be enough right? "Now I'll take my heart back, leave your pictures on the floor and steal back my memory..."

I only hope and pray that someday, I will love again greater than the way I have loved you.  Goodbye is too long, feels like it doesn't end. So let me leave it all behind. PENELOPE is gone...gone...banished. I don't think I'd like to miss her anytime.

Top 3 Love Poems:)

I had an amazing afternoon today, so I'm in the mood to name few of my all time favorite love poems!


It's scorching hot, so hot that I'm having trouble sleeping in my room. You see, I no longer have and AC, so I have to content myself with this small electric fan but it can only do so little that I can only sleep for 3 hours and boom- it's over! My room is too hot, am like a chicken grilled inside an oven! To somehow alleviate this problem (I really can't complain so much can I?) i resorted to come early in the office and take a nap but another problem presented itself. It's too noisy for me to sleep. People coming in and out the sleeping quarter didn't seem to care that someone else's trying to get that much needed sleep. Why would they slam the door so hard, knowing that there's a lot of people inside. But hey,  what can I do? Maybe I'll post a note or something for them to have the courtesy of closing the door gently. You think that will work? Hehe. SO what's my point here? Well, because I couldn't sleep at all, I went out and it felt like I see the world the first time!


I've always loved to walk, it's what I fondly called unwinding whenever I'm stressed out. It's a reliever. So the view in global city is really nice, especially during sunset when the light of the day is fighting off with the impending darkness and the hotness of the day is flirting with the calmness and coldness of the night to come. The buildings look majestic with their lights on, people coming out from the building ready to go home and retire after a long, hard day at work. I like watching the city. I'm surely going to miss this when my grand plan of living in the country side comes to life!


So there up in the high street I wander, searching where Krispy kreme is located and there I found it! I like this alone time, but then I'm always alone so when I have moments like this, it kinda felt sad sometimes because I would have loved to share the view, the moment and the feeling with someone. I'ts nice to look at the world with someone by your side. I don't really mean a lover-it could be anyone! Perhaps a friend, a co-worker, a brother, a sister or maybe my mama. Just to have someone would be fine.
So this inspires my post today. As I was walking, I suddenly remember Elizabeth Barret Browning's line in the poem " I loved thee with a love I seemed to lose".


Now it's too hard choosing my top 3 poems. You see, I happen to be so fascinated and so in love with poetry. So maybe I'll start with love poems.
So there, devour with me my top three fave poems and fave poets as well!


Top 3: This is one of the first few poems I fell in love with in high school. I don't have too much knowledge of poetry and of great poets back then (and even till now!) it's like my love affair with poetry starts here.

How Do I loved Thee (Sonnet XLIII) 

 Elizabeth Barrett Browning

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height

My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight

For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.

I love thee to the level of everyday's

Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.

I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;

I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.

I love thee with a passion put to use

In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.

I love thee with a love I seemed to lose

With my lost saints, --- I love thee with the breath,

Smiles, tears, of all my life! --- and, if God choose,

I shall but love thee better after death.

Top 2: Who doesn't know Pablo Neruda? I thinks he's an awesome poet. what with his heart wrenching poems and all. I wonder how many times he has fallin in and out of love to have such vast emotions as portrayed in his poems! And it's just too hard to choose a favorite among all his poems because frankly, there's too many amazing ones! But this one will do for now:)

Tonight I can write the saddest lines

Pablo Neruda

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example: "The night is shattered,
and the blue stars shiver in the distance."

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
That I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

On nights like this one, I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me, and sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not not have loved her great, still eyes?

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered, and she is not with me.

This is all.
In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight searches for her as though to go to her
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same the same trees.
We, we who were, are the no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that is certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her ear.

Another's. She will be another's. Like my kisses before
Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that is certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms,
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer,
and these the last verses that I write for her.

Top 1: I think  e.e cummings is really genious. I like his style. I like how unconventional his poems are. I like the thought that poetry doesn't have to follow what is the norm- the rhyming and the all that. I love him and I lov this poem to the bones that I felt like this is mine and nobody shoud take this away from me else there will be consequences!!! hehe:)

Somewhere i have never travelled

e.e cummings

somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond
any experience,your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully,mysteriously)her first rose

or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully ,suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility:whose texture
compels me with the color of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens;only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain,has such small hands