Random Thoughts on a Sunny Monday

What's on my mind:

...and i don't want to compromise.

But sometimes waiting takes its toll on me too. 

And we all know that patience is quite a virtue.

So some days i carry it nicely, while others hurt me badly.

Randomly to God i whispered a silent prayer.

" hear my heart and make me braver".

Give me the skill and make me a winner

Winner of my life's battle.

Take the chaos away,

Peace in my mind, i pray.

On random response to JourneyingJames post:

They say “patience is a virtue”
and that in waiting, there is beauty too.
So pack your bag and travel the world,
discover life that has never been told
cross thy mountains, brave thine sea
surf thy waves, dance the night away!

and when time is right and your heart is ready,
god will bless and hear your plea.

On what i want to do today:

Sit in the beach and watch the sunset. Chase the waves and feel the wind. Feel carefree, get lost in my thoughts and  be spontaneous.

MARS

You felt like you are that star the never sparkle, never wink, never shine brighter than the stars around you.
But...
but i noticed you.
Nevertheless i noticed you.
Remember that one night, when i rolled on the sands and you were looking at the stars.
When i was senseless and you were too scientific.
When part of me is giving up, and part of you is starting over.
When i am looking forward for that one sunset and yet you already saw it.
When there's so much more to know yet time is not enough.

We were in Mars.
But Earth isn't too far out.
We both go back.
Go back to what's yours and what's mine.
But remember that one night...
That one night when we were Both in Mars.

Remembering a MAN

I remember you.

As a kid I remember how you love bringing presents. How i love saturdays, it's you payday and you like bringing breads back home.

I remember you, when you drop us off to school before you go for work, and some days when you have extra cash, you'd like buying snacks for me and Kuya.

I remember how mom would cook for your favorite viand- anything with soup and vegetables on it and asked us to deliver it to you whenever your work location is near home. And then i'd stay awhile while you rest or some days i'd eat with you.

And then I grew up.
The simple kid turned and developed into a teenage rebel. Though i didn't mean to turn out that way, but my young mind and teenage hormones seemed helpless and unable to control my emotion and how i'd notice that everything around me seemed wrong, I was a handful i know...

I remember that I was hostile, emotional, unpleasant. All because i was unhappy that we were poor, and i felt i was stripped off opportunities i could have had if only we can afford my school needs. Even then i guess i was ambitious, not materially, but of the mind.

And thank God that phase ended.
I left home, to pursue my dream, to finish college and was beaming with hope that my education would be the answer of that quagmire we're in. I was willing to do whatever it takes, and the lack of money didn't stop me.

I remember your support, in every little way. It wasn't enough, but my young adult mind is ablle to understand it already.
Little did I know that my going away would be the start of something special for both of us.

I began to see you differently.
I notice your gentle soul, your kind words, your meek spirit.
And i notice my neighbor and cousin's fathers. How different you are.
I know they don't think highly of you then, because they felt you were weak, because you don't brag, because you just listened, and you don't get drunk and loud like they are. I began to appreciate you. I was like that little child again hoping for every saturdays and presents.

We became close, closer that i'd ever think we could be.
My summer and semestral breaks became a sweet rendezvouz . Funny how when, the absence fill in so much of the presence. How we both felt so delighted of every coming together. How i loved kissing your cheeks and how your stubbles became so familiar on mine. How i liked to be in your arms, and how i love your voice and your smile and the way you love me. We were still poor but i don't seemed to mind, not much i mean.

But most of all, i remember your arms. I always remember your arms, in fact, i always associate this with you. You and your warm embrace, and how i saw that all of us-your kids went and glided in that strong arms of yours. I think i wouldn't mind being enveloped again in there. I felt safe, warm, protected, loved.

Years passed, one of my dreams- which was your dream as well, came true. I finished schooling and i know you were proud. I was proud too- for you. The hard work- both yours, mine and mama paid off. Little by little i was able to help you, the family.

And then i needed to go away again, somewhere far, somewhere unfamiliar, some place where the grass are greener and horizons are far from what i was currently seeing. I was a wanderlust, still am. But it was all for us, for you.

And i left your arms, kissed you goodbye and saw your smile, saw your beaming eyes, saw and felt how much you love me.

I didn't know that was the last time i'll see you.

I left...and then you left too.

It was heartbeaking.
I didn't know if i'd get over it.
But i did.
Because deep inside, i know you want me to.

I've gotten over losing you.
But i will always, always remember you.
My dear father, my papa...THANK YOU.
For the wonderful memories embedded in my heart- good and bad, it made us what we are now.
Are you proud? Are you happy? In my heart I know you are...

There was only one regret - that you didn't live long enough, to taste and harvest the fruit of your hard work.
We're still poor, but looking back i realized, it was never my goal to become rich in material things.
I am rich now- in my worldview, in character, in things that really matters. And i want to be richer, just so you know.

I love you. Did i ever tell you that? But you must have felt it, whenever you held me in your warm embrace...

This i know...
" i carry your heart, i carry it here in my heart "

Letters To URANOS

Disclaimer: This is for posterity's sake only. Emotions are real as on the dates written. Today is a better day:)



November 26, 2006


How do you measure the deepness of a wound? The extremity of pain? What would you consider as the most hurting moment of your life?

Some say betrayal hurts the most...but i disagree. For nothing cuts deeper than a wound inflicted out of REJECTION. Yes, pure rejection.

I cannot blame you of course. I should have realized long time ago that I cannot force and urge you to care for me the way that i want to. To love me the way i dream. Its high time for me to let go of all the stored memory and that single spark of hope i've hold on for such a long time now.

Time is running, the clock is ticking. Every moments count. I'm losing you the way i lost my youth. It's time to move on, to move forward. And i still owe myself that promise that someday, i'm gonna love again greater and deeper than the way i loved you.


yours,

angelaires



July 1 2007

"TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS AND I SHOULD KNOW COZ IT FEELS LIKE FOREVER"

We can never buy time...
After all the searching, the finding, the looking and the wanting...I realized time is the essence of it all.

We can't have everything all at once. we can attain it slowly, along the way. But never in a sudden flash.

Dreams will always be dreams. It's a fantasy, a fairy tale land and if you are wise enough to make use of every second and every opportunity, surely you can turn it into reality. But it needs time.

We may not do it all, the wishes and dreams in our lifetime, but what matters is we started the journey. And every small steps lead to a much bigger tasks and a much brighter tomorrow...

My journey with you my Uranos, my distant star is such a mystery that until now i don't know where it would lead me...but i'm glad through it all. I'm happy and grateful with the times and moments we have despite and inspite of what people say...and my journey with you is still spinning and rolling, hopefully to the place truly meant to be...



yours,

angelaires



January 1, 2008


Somewhere, sometime ago, i once saw and heard a line in a movie that i can't even remember, that the most expensive commodity is FREEDOM.

There is one thing i realized after all this time of waiting, of searching, of longing and of hoping- everything boils down to me and to what i feel. The things we want but we can't have disappoints us, the people we love but we lost somewhere ago hurts us, the ambitions and dreams yet to come true leaves us frustrated, upset, anxious. Most of all, the people who deliberately rejects you, make you feel unwelcome and unwanted, creates much crater of a misery that every minute of the day reminds you that unwelcome territory of being alone and lonely.

This time around, i wanna have the freedom  of all these things. The freedom of my own desire, own wants, own dreams. I wanna take each day as it comes. No expectations, no wantings, no longings. For a time, i wanted to shove myself away from my own self, my own world. I wanted to be free.



always,

angelaires




WHATEVER HAPPENED IN 2009...
or maybe we can read it in the the fourth lesson.



July 24, 2010

It's been so long since i've written something. I honestly lost the time and the words to say. Even up to this point i'm still contemplating of what to write... but i really wanted to write something! haha

I guess this has been my outlet ever since.  I love writing and have this powerful desire to be a good writer- which im not! But at least i write from the heart and that is something!

Along with my desire to move on and forget you is losing the will to write since i always associate this with you. Well what can i do, i write almost all about you. You're my fave subject!

But i'm not doing this now because i'm prompted by this overbearing feeling, longing and passion for you. It's OVER. You are over. What's left is this feeling i have, which  makes me still proud to this day, knowing how greatly i love, and what i will do in the name of love!

I wanted to have a better look at myself and the world around me. I wanted to understand what i really want in life and why am i doing things the way i do. It really takes a lifetime to understand oneself. But at least i'm not confused now. I am not as unhappy as i were in the past. There were things, people, blessings and event that had happened as i envision them to be...with a little twist in between:) I want to revisit this ME that has always been there, all along.

So what do i want? let me count the ways;
I want to be a better person, at all times.
I want to keep the people that really matters. I want to give them the time that they deserve. I want to nurture  again old relationships, friends in the past that i may have ignored, put aside, forgotten.
I want my family to have a better life...but i can't control the way things are happening, and the person they have become and will become. So i wanted to be ready, to have the grace, the strength and the peace within in accepting things-however it will turn out.
I want to do the things i've always wanted. I want to revisit my old self. Maybe it's the age thing that has gotten into me!
I want to find the time to study... in UP.
I want to fall in love...to be loved...be really loved.
I want to write, i've always wanted to write.
I want to go home, be with my family- my mom, my siblings...I'm done living alone in the city for so long.
I got bored easily now. That's why i always want to go out, be with friends, talk with friends. i'm becoming unproductive, restless. I don't know how soon this is going to last.

But at least i'm seeing myself in this journey now...Take it slow self, you're getting old so fast!



always,

angelaires






January 10, 2011

Because im not not used to see you happy that it kinda hurts me...You used to hate waking, living, much worst loving. And now, you are embracing it. The possibility of it at least.

It's a mix feeling actually. Part of me is glad to know you finally grasp a state of happiness and a taste of what loving means... after of course the self-exiled mantra you firmly believe. Oh what was it again? It goes like "i like you, i like you a lot. it's just that i don't believe in love anymore." hope i quote it right!

Im truly happy that someone else somewhere is putting colors into your once gloomy existence. Im thrilled to know that your waking hours may now be filled with anticipation of another day's worth. And believe me, i'll be the first to be elated upon the thought of you walking through life in a different perspective, a much nicer perspective. I've always known that abyss the troubled mind is a beautiful soul and to discover that the soul has a heart too is more than what i wish for.

So why am i hurting again?

Because someone had finally came and somehow changed the man you've  loved sooo much- you're old self. Finally you let someone in. Finally you allowed yourself to be normal, free from the demons in your head you so like. And that someone was what I always dreamed myself to be. And this someone now is definitely NOT me!


always,

angelaires

Welcome to my new World!

To be honest, there were too many ideas running in my head as i welcome this month. I was pretty much excited, after all, this is my birthday month, and the beginning of the "BER" season- meaning Christmas time is around the corner! But what happened? what went wrong? The month is almost over and i haven't posted anything yet?

Well, since i recently celebrated my 18th birthday, i think people will forgive my vanity, if i'll be talking about myself here! (since when did i not talk about  myself?!) haler, this is my blog, am allowed to justify my narcissistic side!:)

Kidding aside, i had a blast remembering moments, lessons and experiences in the past. There were hits and misses, because we don't have a perfect life. I think my greatest fear now will be, looking back in a few years, and have some regrets for the things i didn't do-which i could have done. Or things i hadn't said, which i could have easily uttered. For people who is hitting some crossroads, like i think what i'm doing, we become so conscious of everything. If we've done too much or too little. Now my problem is, i would want to do so many things at the same time. Like i could never choose one over another. And if you notice, this post seems to gear on my favorite subject again- RANDOM RAMBLINGS. I realized i'm doing that a lot! but what the heck, this is my blog anyway, my own universe and i can do so anything i wishes! lol

And so the love for killer shoes and to die for make up and beautiful dresses and equally wonderful accessories suddenly got shelved in the farthest corner of my closet, i don't think i'll miss you anytime soon. The love for the sand, the beach, the sea, the sunrise, the sunset becomes a refreshing, welcome treat. Like i'd do anything to have a weekend getaway. And with everything i mean- i've given up malling, movies, random unwinding and treating thineself to an expensive cup of coffee or the sugar overload doughnuts and even buying the sunny dresses i so like. Instead, i'd buy swimswear, flats and flipflops...and then i'd laze dreaming of a beachfront, and then i'd work hard, so i can travel more...and this is just one half of the story!

What's the other half? Well, i find myself browsing through the net, for any opportunities to go outside of the country. And i don't mean to work my butts off! I mean to go out and explore, travel. But how would i do that when i can't even finance the traveling just within the Philippine map? I am actually targeting of hitting two birds with one stone- meaning, i'd like some opportunity to study abroad and travel at the same time. well, this seemed to be in a far flung future! But it's part of what's keeping me awake this days!

Then came another love- well sorry to say it's not a boy! My love for cooking. I don't know, but it's one of the things i like learning these days. I can watch and enjoy cooking shows and read cooking stuffs and all.  There's a tinge of satisfaction whenever i go home and whip out dishes for my family and liking it when they crave about my cooking- or maybe they're just being polite! And i like cooking for my friends too:) You want me to cook for you? Just let me know okay?! haha

This life is such complicated.  The person you used to be, can be a stranger after some time, or some tribulation, or some random event, can change your life forever. Inspirations come and ago, feelings fade, interests changes. But one thing should stay the same- the need to always be true to yourself. Be true to what you desire, what you always want to be. Because apart from life being so complicated- it can also be so short. Let's not live with regret, but with happiness of each moment, and let it not pass us by, before our very own eyes!

Cheers to this life, my life, your life, our life!!!:)

Happy 18th! lol

beach is love!:)

Sunset:)

Beach girl!

ditching the heels!

Celebrate! Carpi Diem!:)

Of Plans, Surprises and Sweet Finds...

Plans are made, laid out and thought about. But as to acting on it and making it a reality, it can involve a  lot of twists and turns, and it may not always be how it was originally desired.

So my supposed plan to explore Bacolod, discover nature and taste its food and culture last July 28 remains just as it was- a plan. Bad weather-what with typhoon Gener threatening the country and all. I'm a bit out of budget too and even though i've bought few wardrobes for this trip, i have to settle for the alternatives.

Being an ocassional control freak that i am, this doesn't come easy on me. But then again, i've managed and and survived it anyways.
So where have i been when i got the 4 days off?

Saturday-Kinda unproductive, after all the many plans that day with friends, i ended up sleeping the whole day through and partly the night away...

Sunday- The day started unexpectedly with this JERK across my room who got the nerve talking to me-only when he is drunk. And frankly i don't want him ruining this post so no details here about what happened on that fateful day!
Sunday was spent beach bumming at Portofino beach resort till noon, then movie after and my favorite part was a lazy but fun way of welcoming the dusk by the swing at CEMPark with a friend  and some random conversation about life. We cooked  dinner that night then off to sleep again...or so i thought. But i got an invitation from my co-workers to watch a movie at dawn! Yes, dawn. There's this private movie house near our office called HANS movie house where you can rent movies and the room and watch with friends. It's less expensive considering the privacy you'd get since the room is exclusive to you  and your friends only. So there, that ends my Sunday....which extended to a monday morning since we went home at 5am:)

Beach bumming with Josh and Mica

Childlike Joy with Mica

Aww, the waves is too strong for me!

Swinging and melancholy at CemPark

Mark's mood? hmmmnn...

What did we watch? " Never Let me Go"- a tear jerker type...:)

Monday- Spent the day in a cheap bookshop at Robinson's Cebu- and what a surprise! Found this novel i've read back in my high school years and got the strong desire to buy it for posterity's sake- Rosamunde Pilcher's The SHELL SEEKERS. Random window shop and food trip. Gave in to my cravings for siomai and got myself a cheeseburger meal at Mcdonalds. Not good and definitely not healthy but what the heck, who cares anyway. This is definitely one of those days that i don't care! gave in dude!

I like buying cheap books:)

Love my cheap finds! Cost me just p140 all four books!

Ended the night by dining with my friends and neighbors. Cooked sinigang na bangus with Mark and had one fine dinner. Surprisingly the night didn't end there. After json, V and Joy left for work, Mark and I decided to have coffee- my favorite instant coffee nescafe creamy latte and then we watched a movie on his PC after- in between random conversations...then bedtime for me.



am not an avid coffee drinker but this one just is right for me:)



Tuesday- mall hopping, spent time looking for books I wanna read this year at Fully booked Ayala. The Perks of Being a Wallflower is added on my list. 50 shades of grey is as usual out of stock ( But i read from e-book all three already as of me posting this) had lunch at The Spaghetti Factory Ayala, did my grocery and then agreed with Mark to cook dinner again that night. I love cooking eventhough i'm not good at it. We simply cooked string beans with corned beef and fried fish with pipino and tomatoes. Ended the night by sleeping early. Then woke up the next morning sound tripping and singing my heart out amidst my neighbor's disapproval maybe. But you know what? Read my lips- I don't care! haha. So mean of me. Sorry folks, that was my moment right there!

The Spagetti Factory @Ayala Cebu

strawberry shake and my fave stick-O! yummy:)

And that's how i spent my 4 days off:)

Bittersweet...

We were inside one classroom, yes, the same room we went in and out during our college days...On separate ocassions of course. against my fervent wish and desire to be with you for just one class. Just so I would know how it felt being with you, inside a classroom setting, and drinking in your thought and getting lost perhaps in all your splendor presence.

Anyhow, it was a quizbee or something, and i wondered why I was there in the first place. I wasn't the brainy type. Unlike you, you'll be in every contest, quizbees, debate and all. In a haze the event started, and it was a Math quizbee to my surprise! Wow, don't i get to choose and decide here? Me and the numbers, formulas and equation were never friends. Unlike you, it's your forte. You always knew almost everything. Then everyone got busy answering and thinking and analyzing...and i was lost there. Still wondering why, why i was there, and why i was there-with you, inside that room.

Just like a movie came the second scene, everyone was forcing you and i towards each other, expectant...for something i don't know. And you did something that's so you, you were never a fan of crowd and people cheering and cajoling, you'll do things your way. So you did it privately and drag me out of that room and we were outside and you were trying hard to explain, give reasons and let me understand why it never happened what i wanted to happen from years ago. You lost the right words to say or perhaps you don't know how to say it and you pulled me into a tight embrace. So tight i felt like i'll burst into bubbles and i was so afraid for that moment to fade, for you to slip away so fast, so soon... So i hugged you back, tighter. as if i'll never want to let you go...ever. To my amazement  i saw you holding back your tears, and your voice choking.
"i'm sorry" you said.
"what for? why?" I answered. Bewildered still.

And you told me you would have wanted to connive with my friends and your friends to get me here so we can talk and you can tell so many things but you were afraid i'd notice, you were afraid i'd walked out. And you told me a lot more. You told me how you would have wanted me before, back when i was so obssesed of being with you. But it didn't happen but how you wanted it to and how you wanted to get back and make up for the lost time and start right here and now with me. For a moment i remembered how it took me so long to end my misery, my addiction of you...and how easily you came back and tell me all these things now...things that never happened nor said back then. And if it was the universe conspired, i chose to let of that doubt and gave in to you...again. i surrendered. And hugged you tight, so tight and we were both crying, for the lost time, for this jovial rendezvous. Like everything resonates what we feel- thunder, bolts, drums and butterflies! Alas, how sweet, how my heart pounds and burst with everything. Is it real? are you here?

My eyes pop open. I saw my bed, my room, my pillow. You were just a dream. then and now. But it felt so real, so vivid, so alive, so consuming that i closed my eyes back and hugged tight my pillow thinking it was still you. For a moment i was toying with the idea of going back to sleep and continue that dream, that sweet escape. I could do that, I've proven to myself time and again that i have this habit of being able to continue my dreams just as long as i'll choose to go back to that slumber. That was a sweet slumber.

But I remembered. How it took me so much time to be where i am now away from that thought of you and I, of the idea that someday we might really end up in each others arms, of that promise that i'll be the HOME you can run to when everything else fails or when you're  done roaming the world or when you get tired and wanted to slow down and rest awhile. Yes i remembered how hard it was, how it felt. How the rejection left me battered and bruised that resulted to me not wanting to feel that way again. That ended up me being so guarded now. Your memory kept me alive, but I want my life back. I've had it back for awhile now, why do you have to haunt me like that?

With all the courage that i can muster, i opened my eyes again. I've chosen to let go sometime ago. I can do it now. I chose to do it now. You fed my dreams and lonely days, but i learned to color my own rainbow, water my own plants and be my own sunshine. That room is locked, shut down, closed forever. Let's not go there. Let me go URANOS. Penelope wants nothing from you anymore. Do not test, tempt and lure me again just like that. What doesn't break you won't kill you. I'm still alive am i not? I wanted to be happy too. I chose to run this race. Alone. Where nothing and no one will ever hurt me again like that...