Poetry Session: Too Much of You

Too Much Of You

angelaires

life is

sunny,

rainy,

gloomy.

yours is

bright,

breezy,

always sunshine.

i'd rather have the rain

suffer and feel,

this impeccable pain

here, it is real.

yours is

magical,

monumental,

too much greatness

killing this empty spaces

too much,

got too much of you.

away, im running away.

yours is

whimsical,

im waking up

to what's here and now.



Summer 2012

Because i'm too busy err lazy to blog, it took me so long to post this summer escapade. Rainy season caught up on me and i got this fever on a saturday. I missed meals, absent from work and all alone mending and tending this sickness...Awww, i missed home, the feeling of someone taking care of you while you're not in your absolute health...But then again, im used to taking care of people rather than me being taken care of. So before this post gets bluer than blue and sadder than sad, let me remember my summer escapade last May 2012, and let me reminisce the fun times under the sun!

I went home primarily to attend my brother's college graduation but knowing me, i always do a sidetrip and gather my ladies for a beach bumming and cam-whoring trip!

I couldn't remember and write a vivid  narratives of the things i did so let the photos tell you what i cannot write and let me share some things that stuck my mind that time!

My Summer Reflections

• Saw a lot of stars
• Fell in love with the sunset
• Roadtrip to Iligan
• Beach bumming
• Visited Mantangale beach resort and Duka bay dive resort
• Dip in a cold spring
• Lunch by the bay
• Drank irish cream cappuccino coffee
• Ate the pride og medina-bibingka! very delicious!
• Bonding with old friends
• Moments with family and friends
• Thinking of HIM



Sunrise by the ship, on my way back to Cebu

Beach girl waiting for beach boy...

Lunch by the bay

Coral watching at Duka bay, i saw a lot of fish!

Snorkling, love it!

The high jump!

Name the species in this aquarium:)

The beach and the company, Jojie, Yen, Me and Melanie

dip

Thank you mantangale, we got the resort all by ourselves:)

Touring Medina, Gingoog City in a cold windy night

goofing!

The rock and I!

The rock and US!

Afternoon Delight

Just this afternoon i got the urge to breath some fresh air and witness the sunset. I have this flair for sunrise and sunsets you know...I think i always had but the need to really see it is so strong this past few months. Well, i'm at the stage of my life that whatever my mind concieve of wanting to do, if i can, i

really wanna do it. The idle moment of wishful thinking is so foreign to me these days. I wanna make use of the time that i have, so even if i'll end up doing it alone, i really don't care.

The thing with waiting for people to join you, is that it just prolong the moment, if not alter it completely. Because people always have the excuse to not go or even if they wanted to, they seemed to not have enough time, or maybe they just can't squeeze in the time to do so. Well, no hard feelings, i've managed on my own, and to be honest. I like this alone moments:) I've been jogging alone early morning, taking afternoon stroll, foodtripping, and maybe i'm doing this soul searching thing for all I know...but i actually enjoyed it. I'm even planning for this solo beach bumming sometime next week...and i'm excited for it!

So anyway, i really wanted to awaken my creative juices too-aka i wanna write something. I have this flair for poetry too and i'm such a pathetic, frustrated poet and a writer but what the heck, i'll just write from my heart even if it means just plain, random ramblings:) so bear with me if i'll post it here!

I Loved You First

angelaires

i loved you first

when the grass grows greener,

even when the ocean parts

your lips i know i will kiss

Oh i loved you first,

before the sun goes down

or when the sunrise is up again

let not our destiny be caved in !

yes, i loved you first

In the womb you were hiding

and back to the world you're living

here i am, waiting.

right, i loved you first

find me in the throng of strangers

i'm the one standing

right alone in the crowd hiding

soon when

lights out and everything dim

you'll see it shimmering,

shining through it will glow

this page turns over

as it began a new chapter

oh yes, i loved you first!

stunned

oh this singular calmness

silence it brings

peace and quiteness

even when there's chaos in our head

who would have thought

when waiting eludes

there it is,

this malignant enjoyment

because yes, i'll love you first

come here and now

but off the forest you must go,

conguer thy mountain, thy rock!

even thine sorrow

but, forget it not

even in all these miseries

i loved you first...

so till my hands

find your hands

whose holding hers

while the other holds the world

but then if you must

let go of one and

choose mine

because i loved you first.

this distance and detours

keep us apart yet again,

one day it will

heart to heart

keep us closer

it's because,

i loved you first

till you loved me back.

what i did this afternoon at cebu memorial park...?



i loved this flower:)



accompanied by my solitude buddies- great expectation by charles dickens, my purple diary, pen, lipbalm, water, key and my trusted phone:)



swinging! i want a traditional hammock one day:)



sound tripping too!



so till the next random afternoon delight!



because this life is such a long and winding road...



Of Waitings and Detours

Life happens...Just like that. You wake up sore with envy of all the chances you missed and all the moments passing by.

Surprisingly, everyone got a life. they managed on their own, seemed and looked happy too. And you were left in the empty road of life. And the saddest part is, no one's there holding your hand. No one's there wiping your tears, no one's there making you smile, or helping you banished the fears. You're supposed to jump on a dreaded cliff...alone.

While this seemed to be a lonely scene, why don't we tackle it differently? Yes, to an average person, it seemed pathetic to be lurking in this situation. But who says we can't defy what society dictates? I like reading posts about people sensible enough to understand that while singleness can sometimes be lonely, it is a gift in itself to discover your ultimate potential, live your life fully, enrich yourself with the wonders of this world. And someday, when it happens that you'll get lucky to be with someone, you'd have many things to share about simply because you had a headstart in discovering them .

One need not feel abashed about going through life especially in our late 20s and still alone. And i just have to make a point that just because you are single doesn't mean you are ready to mingle! I hate it when people are pushing me "not to be choosy', "lower your standard", "go out there and be seen", 'Love does not happen, you make it happen"! They're missing my point. i don't have have high standards, and im not being picky too...i just happen to know what I want and what i deserve, and yes, call me stubborn...but i don't wanna compromise...unless it's for that ultimate reason-don't ask me what?! duh!

What's my point here again? My point is there is beauty in waiting and while you're at it, enjoy your life too. You don't need to be with someone just to make you feel alive or complete. You  are whole in yourself already. I know this is better said than done, believe me, i have so many encounters that i doubted this too...but deep within, somehow i know that this is just a phase i have to go through.

Secondly, the events in the past- the almost relationship, the holding on, the first heartbreak, the time passing and eventually wasting, the lonely nights and days and the impatience of things not happening your way...They are called DETOURS. One day it will all make sense.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." 

                                                              1 Corithinthians 13:4–8

Leaving you with this song too, as we wait for that day patiently:)

I Promise

Jaci Velasquez

Lord, You know my heart
And all my desires
And the secret things I'll never tell
Lord, You know them well

Though I may be young
I see and understand
That at times like sheep we go astray
And things get out of hand

Chorus:
So I promise to be true to You
To live my life in purity
As unto You
Waiting for the day
When I hear You say
Here is the one I have created
Just for you

Until then, O Lord
I will be content
Knowing that true love
Will come someday
It will only come from You

‘Cause I have seen the suffering
That loneliness can cause
When we choose to give our love away
Without a righteous cause

chorus:
So I promise to be true to You
To live my life in purity
As unto You
Waiting for the day
When I hear You say
Here is the one I have created
Just for you

Poetry Session III

WAITING

-angelaires-

fireflies and butterflies,

bolts and lightning alike

heat and fire

all these and more

one burning desire.

across the universe,

surrounded by the sky,

heaven and earth they kiss

must be destined, you and I

a million breaths

a thousand sigh,

one last cry

then i say goodbye

gazing upon the horizon

while you trek with your wandering soul

the trails of life, sparks they fly

together, we should belong.

life won't wait

and time is fast

hurry home,

here in my heart.

Letters to Juliet,

I asked for us to meet

I am are here

One day, I know we'll get there...

Hymn for July

didn't know when

autumn left and spring sets in

didn't know how

sorrow's gone, by the wind 'twas blown.

yesterday was too far behind

all there was thine mind hath forgotten.

though the heart may carry a torch,

it's unlightened, unwelcome, banned.

how come endings,

promised so much beginnings?

and how was it that the heart no longer is blistered?

when did letting go becomes easy

for you and for me?

gentle is the night

brighter is the sun

colder is the wind

you were here

but i left when you got there.

the waiting,

the passing,

the staying,

the leaving.

Life is but a ride never ending!

your sunset,

 my sunrise.

your reality,

my pride.

your smile, my tears.

my laughter, your fears.

heart to heart

to a different direction it went

we're never bound

Oh June it's over!

You see...someone's here.

Hello July!

by angelaires

LESSONS LEARNED FROM THE FIVE PEOPLE YOU MEET IN HEAVEN

Funny, this post has been sitting on my draft items for the last 3 years now and I haven't published it yet simply because I was not able to complete it. And so one day before sleeping, I chanced upon one of Mitch Albom's novel entitled FOR ONE MORE DAY which i promised to have a separate blog, that makes me revisit this post. This time, I was able to complete it. I was just missing one lesson, which is a universal topic by the way, and for whatever reason, I didn't get the chance to collect my thoughts...back then. So read on, I think this is one of most honest post i've ever published here.



Written last March 30, 2009/ 2:30am
Inspired by Mitch Alboms' FIVE PEOPLE YOU MEET IN HEAVEN



I love reading good and easy books! Well, it's because I get to finish it in one sitting, one reading. Isn't it nice? But most importantly, you get to learn and realize so much in an hour, so many things in just one book. And how I wished what I learned then, at that time, can be applied all the time:) Well, not always the case but at least I'm able to write and share my thoughts and hopefully, little by little I can perfect it in my life. Here's one of the books I've read from this year. Truly amazing, great author. I'm so honored to be reading his book and these are the lessons I learned as well:)

  THE FIRST LESSON:

 "That there are no random acts. That We are all connected. That you can no more separate one life from another than you can separate a breeze from the wind". 

Having learned this makes me realized how the drastic and the well-thought decisions I made from the past must have affected the people around me. But those were my choices, aren't we given the freedom to do so? Should i blame myself for the things i did regardless if my intention was for the common good of  everybody? My answer is no. What it taught me though, is that since there are no random acts, i must be careful of the words that get out of my mouth; for I can never take it back. The acts i did, for i can never undo it. The thoughts I have, for it reflected what I truly feel inside. And if by chance what I did harm the people around me, hurt the friends i have, isolate and may made them feel down, it wasn't what I really wanted. It was the right choice i made at that moment. They were also given and govern by their choices, and that is up for them not to be defeated but rather take it as an experience to learn from and moved on. Life is a matter of choice, not a chance!


    " People often belittle the place where they were born. But heaven can be found in the most unlikely corners. People think of heaven as a paradise garden, a place where they can float on clouds and laze in rivers and mountains. But scenery without solace is meaningless. This is the greatest gift God can give you: To understand what happened in your life. To have it explained. It is the peace that you have been searching for."

THE SECOND LESSON:

  "We all have to make sacrifices. It is a part of life. It's supposed to be. It's not something to regret. It's something to aspire to; May it be little or big sacrifices."

Humans though, as frail and as close minded as we are, often are angry and frustrated over our own version of sacrifice. We keep thinking about what we lost and keep wondering all the might have beens and what ifs had we not sacrifice something over someone or over something else.

What's your story of sacrifice? We do that everyday and maybe we're not aware or we may be blinded and failed to realize the beauty of having prioritized not our own wants, needs and desires.

Here's my version, the one I'm aware of.

Sometimes I am envious of those people who have no obligations over their family. Who can do things as they please and spend time and money as they wish. While I, i need to save so i can give something to mine. I need to be focused, matured, responsible because i have loads of siblings who looked up to me, who sees me as someone they can emulate. I am a daughter, and by that i should not do things that would cause pain to my parents, i should be that  person they want me to be...successful. I am a sister, i looked after the younger ones. I inspire them to have a better version of themselves, to grab a dream of their own, the one they really wanted, to help them become a better and successfull person that they ought to be. I am a friend, i should look after what's best for everybody. I shoud set aside what i want in favor of what everybody wants. I put myself last sometimes, and it always ends up ME losing the essence of my existence and make me feel like i don't exist anymore, so where is the freedom of my choice? But all these are looking through a small picture. If i step outside that box and see the bigger and the better view- it makes sense. It made everything fall into place. And yes, the sacrifices, it was all worth it. That's what matters to me.

THE THIRD LESSON:

FORGIVENESS.  Holding anger is a poison. it eats you from inside. we think that hating is a weapon that attacks the person who harmed us. But hatred is a curved blade. And the harm we do, we do to ourselves. no one is born with anger. we need to free ourselves from it. we need to forgive others and forgive ourselves.

There are bad things in the past that happened to us and it may be caused by someone. But sometimes, there is comfort in having someone to blame, to make someone responsible for it. We even like to think that we are better than the rest, we live a better life, make better choices. But who are we to say that? Who are we to judge? Eveybody is going through something.  In our struggles, we are not alone. Others have their own reason for doing such at the time they did.  Everything has a reason.

We must let go of all the ill feelngs,  for it hinders us to a better place and a nicer perspective we should all feel. Let's not rob off ourself that chance to be genuinely happy and free.

The hardest to do is letting go, forgetting and forgiving. We need,  more than anything else, to forgive ourselves and to stop blaming others. I carried a resentment, and it is not helping me. So i let go of it. And it felt better now.


THE FOURTH LESSON:

LOST LOVE IS STILL LOVE. It takes a different form. Life has to end but love doesn't. Love, like the rain, can nourish from above, drenching couples with a soaking joy. But sometimes, under the angry heat of life, love dries on the surface and must be nourish from below, tending to its roots, keeping itself alive.

It's everybody's favorite topic...And i guess I love talking about this too. In fact, i talk about this all the time. But for some reason, i'm at lost of words. I need to pause right here...TO BE CONTINUED... ( March 30, 2009/ 4:20am)


THE END...


OR SO I THOUGHT.


This is where i got stucked. Three years in the making just for me to say what i have to say now? To be honest i'm not surprised at all. I have this knack of holding on to things. But for whatever its worth, the period of waiting was all i need to be able to ponder and reflect on the things that happened, how it came to be that gives me this courage to write it here before everything eludes me again. So let me say my piece now.

It's been said, told and narrated over and over again. But let me say it again, IT IS BETTER TO HAVE LOVED AND LOST THAN TO NEVER LOVE AT ALL.

So many things have changed, years have passed, seasons have cycled. The love i think will never end, suddenly becomes a memory, and even that memory is fading. It surprised me sometimes that i even tried holding on to it, as if i'll never want to put it away, to let it go, though i've been praying and wanting for that memory to stop altogether, to create a new one. I guess i can be such a walking contradiction sometimes.

Yes, i loved deeply, and i never got it. I was refused, rejected, not wanted... by the same person...over and over. For the longest time i hoped, persevered, held on, because i was big in believing that whatever i want, i'll have it so long as i work hard on it. After all, that's always been the formula that got me to where and what i am now.

But life has something else in mind for me, it has different plans- or rather it has different plans for him. He needed to fly, to explore, to discover, to wander, to savor all there is that life can offer. while i? I only wanted a free ride with him, his adventures...his thirst for life.

I never got the happy ending, did not even get close to it. But he was the greatest love, he was the first love. He was what i've been dreaming about under the cloudless sky and the moonlit nights. He was my Romeo, my Achilles. He was the first person i think of whenever i watched movies and read books. He was everywhere. He was my love. But he didn't want me, didn't give me a chance, maybe didn't even think more of me than that silly wide eyed girl so many years ago. but he was my sleepless nights, my unrequitted love.

The phase ended. After 10 years i got tired of waiting, romeo is not coming. So i let go and made a promise to myself- that i will love again someday, one day- greater than the way i loved before. i have yet to fulfill that promise. But everyday brings an unspoken hope that i'm getting close to it. i just have to believe on it for now.
HE WAS MY LOST LOVE. HE WAS MY URANOS.


THE FIFTH LESSON:

OUR EXISTENCE HAS A MEANING.
Many times we are sad because we feel like we didn't do anything with our life. We accomplished nothing. we feel like we are not supposed to be where we are.

we always want to be somewhere-there, not here. we lived thinking of what ifs and one day and someday that sometimes it felt like we lived without living at all.

I feel this, much often than i want to. Guilty as charge. People by nature is insatiable. when we are younger, we often wish something for ourselves. Pretty soon when we got what we wanted, we find
 ourselves wanting more...and more...until it neve ends. Until it took away moments of happiness just by being here- suspended by this time, this moment.

I learned that there is no insignificant, unimportant person, each of them we encounter plays a role in our lives. No matter how shortlived the moment was or how long we spent time with them, how wasted or how well spent it was. It all plays a part in our life. They come to hurts us, teach us, break us, bend us, catch us, disappoint us, love us or leave us. But look, we're still here. because our life has a meaning. find that purpose in you and hold on to it.



SO GRAB A COPY OF MITCH ALBOM'S BOOK NOW