Monday, October 1, 2012

Letters To URANOS

Disclaimer: This is for posterity's sake only. Emotions are real as on the dates written. Today is a better day:)



November 26, 2006


How do you measure the deepness of a wound? The extremity of pain? What would you consider as the most hurting moment of your life?

Some say betrayal hurts the most...but i disagree. For nothing cuts deeper than a wound inflicted out of REJECTION. Yes, pure rejection.

I cannot blame you of course. I should have realized long time ago that I cannot force and urge you to care for me the way that i want to. To love me the way i dream. Its high time for me to let go of all the stored memory and that single spark of hope i've hold on for such a long time now.

Time is running, the clock is ticking. Every moments count. I'm losing you the way i lost my youth. It's time to move on, to move forward. And i still owe myself that promise that someday, i'm gonna love again greater and deeper than the way i loved you.


yours,

angelaires



July 1 2007


"TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS AND I SHOULD KNOW COZ IT FEELS LIKE FOREVER"

We can never buy time...
After all the searching, the finding, the looking and the wanting...I realized time is the essence of it all.

We can't have everything all at once. we can attain it slowly, along the way. But never in a sudden flash.

Dreams will always be dreams. It's a fantasy, a fairy tale land and if you are wise enough to make use of every second and every opportunity, surely you can turn it into reality. But it needs time.

We may not do it all, the wishes and dreams in our lifetime, but what matters is we started the journey. And every small steps lead to a much bigger tasks and a much brighter tomorrow...

My journey with you my Uranos, my distant star is such a mystery that until now i don't know where it would lead me...but i'm glad through it all. I'm happy and grateful with the times and moments we have despite and inspite of what people say...and my journey with you is still spinning and rolling, hopefully to the place truly meant to be...



yours,

angelaires



January 1, 2008


Somewhere, sometime ago, i once saw and heard a line in a movie that i can't even remember, that the most expensive commodity is FREEDOM.

There is one thing i realized after all this time of waiting, of searching, of longing and of hoping- everything boils down to me and to what i feel. The things we want but we can't have disappoints us, the people we love but we lost somewhere ago hurts us, the ambitions and dreams yet to come true leaves us frustrated, upset, anxious. Most of all, the people who deliberately rejects you, make you feel unwelcome and unwanted, creates much crater of a misery that every minute of the day reminds you that unwelcome territory of being alone and lonely.

This time around, i wanna have the freedom  of all these things. The freedom of my own desire, own wants, own dreams. I wanna take each day as it comes. No expectations, no wantings, no longings. For a time, i wanted to shove myself away from my own self, my own world. I wanted to be free.



always,

angelaires




WHATEVER HAPPENED IN 2009...
or maybe we can read it in the the fourth lesson.



July 24, 2010

It's been so long since i've written something. I honestly lost the time and the words to say. Even up to this point i'm still contemplating of what to write... but i really wanted to write something! haha

I guess this has been my outlet ever since.  I love writing and have this powerful desire to be a good writer- which im not! But at least i write from the heart and that is something!

Along with my desire to move on and forget you is losing the will to write since i always associate this with you. Well what can i do, i write almost all about you. You're my fave subject!

But i'm not doing this now because i'm prompted by this overbearing feeling, longing and passion for you. It's OVER. You are over. What's left is this feeling i have, which  makes me still proud to this day, knowing how greatly i love, and what i will do in the name of love!

I wanted to have a better look at myself and the world around me. I wanted to understand what i really want in life and why am i doing things the way i do. It really takes a lifetime to understand oneself. But at least i'm not confused now. I am not as unhappy as i were in the past. There were things, people, blessings and event that had happened as i envision them to be...with a little twist in between:) I want to revisit this ME that has always been there, all along.

So what do i want? let me count the ways;
I want to be a better person, at all times.
I want to keep the people that really matters. I want to give them the time that they deserve. I want to nurture  again old relationships, friends in the past that i may have ignored, put aside, forgotten.
I want my family to have a better life...but i can't control the way things are happening, and the person they have become and will become. So i wanted to be ready, to have the grace, the strength and the peace within in accepting things-however it will turn out.
I want to do the things i've always wanted. I want to revisit my old self. Maybe it's the age thing that has gotten into me!
I want to find the time to study... in UP.
I want to fall in love...to be loved...be really loved.
I want to write, i've always wanted to write.
I want to go home, be with my family- my mom, my siblings...I'm done living alone in the city for so long.
I got bored easily now. That's why i always want to go out, be with friends, talk with friends. i'm becoming unproductive, restless. I don't know how soon this is going to last.

But at least i'm seeing myself in this journey now...Take it slow self, you're getting old so fast!



always,

angelaires






January 10, 2011


Because im not not used to see you happy that it kinda hurts me...You used to hate waking, living, much worst loving. And now, you are embracing it. The possibility of it at least.

It's a mix feeling actually. Part of me is glad to know you finally grasp a state of happiness and a taste of what loving means... after of course the self-exiled mantra you firmly believe. Oh what was it again? It goes like "i like you, i like you a lot. it's just that i don't believe in love anymore." hope i quote it right!

Im truly happy that someone else somewhere is putting colors into your once gloomy existence. Im thrilled to know that your waking hours may now be filled with anticipation of another day's worth. And believe me, i'll be the first to be elated upon the thought of you walking through life in a different perspective, a much nicer perspective. I've always known that abyss the troubled mind is a beautiful soul and to discover that the soul has a heart too is more than what i wish for.

So why am i hurting again?

Because someone had finally came and somehow changed the man you've  loved sooo much- you're old self. Finally you let someone in. Finally you allowed yourself to be normal, free from the demons in your head you so like. And that someone was what I always dreamed myself to be. And this someone now is definitely NOT me!


always,

angelaires